Pantani Ride Q&A and General Misinformation

Let's get this out of the way early:
The Pantani ride is happening this weekend, blizzard or not.

A little snow doesn't scare me.  A lot of snow scares me a little, but that's the thing about the peloton - it rolls on, with or without you.  And, let's face it, we've been in this situation before. 

And it was awesome. 

With that said, and for the sake of real, genuine misinformation (much of it remarkably outdated) let's dig into the mailbag and see what's so hard to understand. 


Let's start with the basics:
Q: Is the great Pantani ride happening this weekend?
A:  Yes.  Sunday at 11 AM, so not technically ALL weekend, but this weekend nonetheless.  But just a quick caveat to that statement, the only person one Earth with the panache, dedication, and heart to make the Pantani last all weekend is IN.  So, quite possibly, we'll be here until Monday. 


Q:  Really?  I'm in, but what time is it?  Your website says 10 and the blog says 11.
A:  Vague, yeah?  Technically, we are rolling at 11 AM Sunday on the big bulbous nose, but arriving by 10 AM or so in order to fix your flat tire, adjust your jock strap, align your compass, and generally screw your head on straight is probably a good idea. 

Q:  I can't seem to find the registration page on BikeReg.  How do I sign up?
A:  You'll need to write, print out, and sign a legal document proclaiming your intent to race the esteemed Pantani race and also claiming coverage under some kind of  team-sponsored, multi-national insurance policy; have it notarized, emblazoned with silver, and then laminate it.  Then, show up on Sunday, come to the start line, and shove it directly up your ass.  And you're in.  Easy as that. 

Q:  You mentioned that your pre-race interview with C-Ham was mostly fictitious.  But I have it on good authority that C-Ham does actually have Chlamydia. 
A:  That is not technically a question, but we'll allow it because it's awesome, and also a great reminder to you kids out there to think before you become grossly intoxicated and use a public restroom.  Thanks for the reminder. 

Q:  Speaking of which, that pre-race interview is no longer available?  What gives?
A:  Another smidge of cycling history, devoured by the internet. 

Q:  Hey Boss is the starting address still 551 Allen Road 22936? Pantani goes live at 11am right? I'm kicking around bringing the cross bike, what do you think would the MTB be the safer bet due to road conditions?
A:  That's at least three questions, actually, but again, fine.  Yes, we'll start from 551 Allen Rd at 11 AM.  The Cross Bike vs Mountain Bike vs Road Bike theory has been kicked around and tested to the point of breaking.  I'll say that the first half of the course is a good cross bike ride, but the lollipop loop at the top is really not.  By the time you come off Simmons Gap on the final push home, you'll probably see an even mix of bikes around you.  But you won't see *Bob Anderson*, no matter what he's riding.  He's already done. 
*speaking of which, someone please send off a homing pidgeon or a smoke signal or a flare or something to let Bob know about this ride. 


Q:  What do I do if there's inclement weather?  My smartphone says it'll be 37 degrees and snowing on Sunday at 11 AM. 
A:  Never mind, for a moment, how smart your phone may or may not be, or its merits as weather prognostication technology.  Never mind the fickle nature of February weather.  Never mind your lack of grit.  Marco Pantani would go.  If you can admit, at least to yourself, that pain is a part of why you ride and a part of what makes it good, then bad weather is actually something that will enhance the experience.  But please bring a winch if you have one because parking could get a little soft. 


Q:  It's going to be wet, cold, and determined on Sunday.  Is C-Ham still your pick?  Thomas Bouber is Belgian. 
A:  That's more like it.  Great question.  C-Ham is, indeed, still my pick.  But your point about Bouber's nationality, as well as the implied conclusion derived from it, are both entirely valid.  Mental note to try to spend some time on Bouber's 6 if he doesn't torch me in the first mile. 

Q:  Will there be a KOM category? 
A:  Hmmmm.  As much as I'd like to discard this question as irrelavant and needless change, I have to admit that Marco Pantani would dig a KOM category.  Really, the fact that we've had no KOM category to this point is sort of an oversight.  But, when you think about it, every ride you've ever been on has a KOM category.  Polkadotted jersey or not, there's always that one guy on every ride who has to get to the top first, bonk, crash on the descent, and repeat until he winds up at the finish mid-pack in a drippy mess.  So yes, unofficially-offically, there is a KOM category.  Prize to be determined.  But consider yourself to be grabbing a point if you're the first one over Fox mtn , the gap above Blackwells Hollow on 810, Mission Home, or the mailboxes at the top of brokenback either time you go past them.  That's 5 points up for grabs, I suppose, but if you've got sufficient bloodflow to your brain that you're able to count them, then you're doing it wrong. 

Q:  Better provision:  bear spray or cell phone?
A:  Toss up. 

Q:  OK, I'm in.  But I'm pretty sure I'll get lost and that intimidates me.
A:  Relaaaaaax.  Come on, think about it, what's the worst that could happen.  goooooood.   Now, take all of those thoughts, and flush them down the toilet with your EPO suppository.  Better?  Gooooood.  Now print these maps and this queue sheet, place them in a dry plastic baggie so your blood and tears don't render them soggy and worthless, and rest up so you can just tuck in with a fast group and not worry about navigation anyway. 









That's about all I can do for you at this point, folks.  If things are still too cryptic or undefined for you, then chances are The Pantani Ride isn't for you anyway. 

Just in case, though, here are some Q&A links from yesteryear:
http://www.blueridgeracing.blogspot.com/2011/02/pantani-would-eat-muffin.html
http://bikefactoryracing.blogspot.com/2010/01/pantani-ride-details.html

It's a mighty fine Friday, sunshine peaking in the window like the weekend from right around the corner.  So that's about that. 



Until Sunday, be kind to each other, relax a bit, and put your money where your mouth is. 

Up, up, up. 

Pantani Last Minute FAQ

Plenty of last minute questions rolling in via the various conduits of the interweb, many of which I felt worthy of response.  So I'll publish those here, if one might qualify hastily e-scribbling misinformation to be a form of publication.

1)  OK, seriously, what bike should I bring and what tires should I run?
I just can't say enough about this question.  Maybe it's the cold winter nights, the long trainer hours, and the uncertain nature of the idle human mind - but this one just keeps coming up.  For The Pantani Ride, I guess you could ride pretty much any bike, and it'll be the wrong bike for a significant portion of the ride.  But also the right bike in places.  The same could be said for most moderate tire selections, though I tend to believe that 23's are mostly too small, and 3.0's mostly too big.  So the middle 90% of bike-types and tire choices are probably what you want for 50% of the turf we'll be covering.  The other 50%?  You'll want something else.  So it's easy to overthink this, because dissatisfaction is a large part of the end result, whatever you choose.

When in doubt, rather than change anything, maybe do as Big John in the RIC recommends: "I think I'd dance with the girl that brung me."
Can't be more precise than that.

2)  Is there a store stop?
It's easy to brush this off with a simple "No."  Because there's isn't actually a store along the way.  But having bonked while over in that part of the world before, and having seen people bonk over there, I know how unpleasant the experience can become.  So I thought I'd publish here an "oh shit" store stop just in case your proverbial wheels (or the literal ones) come off.


Here it is.  The Dyke Store is just a scratch of flat road down bacon hollow from the base of Brokenback.  Less than a mile.  And you could pull the plug at that point and turn that store stop into a leisurely 7 mile paved ride back to the start if you have really imploded (and they happen to be open).  I personally once witnessed Danny Flow do just that thing, whilst consuming about 8,000 skittles in a fit of sugar depletion, and take nearly 2 hours to return to the farm from that same spot.  So if you've come unglued you know what to do.

Plus, they've got all the ingredients to make yourself the quintessential bonked-racer pick-me-up: A Peanut Pop.

(Those ingredients being: Peanuts, Pop.)

And just in case you've really reached the end, here's the recipe:
1)  Combine ingredients
2)  Consume vigorously
3)  Repeat as necessary

3)  Where, exactly are those KOM points?
Good question.  And I'm glad to see you've got Pink Glory on your head on your mind.
To recap, the KOM points are:
Fox Mountain KOM: 1 point
Blackwell's hollow KOM: 1 point
Mission Home KOM: 1 point
Simmon's Gap KOM: 1 point
Brokenback KOM: 1 point

With no points for second place. 

More or less, those locations are:
Fox Mtn KOM
Blackwell's Hollow KOM
Mission Home KOM (also the Greene county line)
Simmons Gap KOM (which I have a picture of, because once upon a time I could muster that kind of effort after arriving at the top.)
And finally, on the return after climbing back up brokenback, The mailboxes.

KOM #4

Keep in mind, however, that only one person gets a point for each one, so if you're not a part of the frenetic, painful scramble at the very front, those things really don't matter.

And even then, if Pink glory and comfort aren't on your agenda, they don't matter much.

And last but not least:
4) Looks like some snow on Saturday.  We still rolling?  
Why yes, Saturday might deposit an inch of snow down here, perhaps more at the top of the pop.  Sunday, though will see us get to the 40's, perhaps 50's by go time, and yes, at this point, We Still Rolling.

I'll take a little spin up to the top of the Fox tomorrow once the snow stops and report back.  Until then...

Up, up, up.

That's what happens when you try me with a sorry ass receiver like Crabtree.

That's the result you gonna get:

Oh to have speed like Quadsworth.  The shit that I would talk...

Let's get into it, why don't we.  It's Monday, 13 days out from Pantani go-day.  And early season fitness is, as always, a strange bird.  Typically, whoever is standing atop the box at races like Snotcycle and the recent CAMBC RTF TT Circumnavigation (an acronym worthy of some Plaid) is likely to be at the front on Pantani day.  

My prediction: at the front and extremely well-dressed.

Later in the year?  It's hard to say.  But be advised, dudes are fast in the winter these days.  

The rest of us, not so much.  Proper training rides are always a little hit or miss when the mercury dips below 10, and some things are just hard to replicate on a trainer.  But the stalwarts are out there anyway.  And it's those dudes - the ones getting after it in a proper man vs. nature format - that really tend to shine when it's go time.  

Unless we start early and leave them in the porta-john.  Not cool.  

Also proper early season activity: bike fitting.  In particular, dial in your q-factor.  In the snow.  Good times.  

What else?  What else?
Well, still no word from The Manimal about the whereabouts of our precious KOM chapeau.  In fact, the whereabouts of The Manimal himself are largely unknown.  Last time I saw him, he was puking his very soul out in the tent next to me at the Giro, and though he was in the care of the finest Giro-nurse a man could hope for, perhaps he didn't actually pull through.  If that's the case, I hope the KOM chapeau was top-of-the-list when they read off his palmares at his funeral, and that she made it into his casket.

I'll sure miss riding with him, which for me technically meant watching him start and then sometimes finishing in time to see him up on the podium.  Mostly just watching him start though.

But!  We won't have to miss the Chapeau.  There's a newer, better prize to be awarded to the KOM this year, and it's Giro pink for style points.

Chapeau, fit for a king.

Remember:
Fox Mountain KOM: 1 point
Blackwell's hollow KOM: 1 point
Mission Home KOM: 1 point
Simmon's Gap KOM: 1 point
Brokenback KOM: 1 point

No points for second place.
So you might not have big mountain fitness just yet, but if you're dashing enough just to get over mission home in first place, you might very well limp yourself to the finish in a shamble of snot and drool and don yourself some pink victory.

Speaking of big mountain, speculations have been rolling in, around, and back and forth regarding the condition of The Lollipop and what it will be like on race day.  Rest assured: it's a complete mess right now.  And with a hard freeze settling in tonight and lasting through, oh I don't know, next Tuesday or so, chances of it really being rideable are pretty minimal.
Of course, that doesn't mean we're not going up it.

Fatbike: check.
Crampons: Check.
Fitness:  ...

That pink hat just keeps looking better.

Up, up, up.

Mittentalia

The Pantani looms large out there on the horizon, I reckon that's a hair under 3 weeks from 8 hours ago plus or minus 45 minutes or so.  As such, and in usual fashion, I've received plenty of feedback from the world at large regarding their individual preparations and sacrifices being made leading up to the big day.  

Sacrifices such as putting 40 cc tires and an XT derailleur with a 11-36 on your road bike.  Sam checked in with this one.  By my estimation, this is how most road bikes should be set up, pretty much year round.  But, when it comes to changing the world for the better, I'll accept my small place in the grand scheme, and at least February will be awesome.  

Also, not quite bike-related, but certainly requiring an enormous amount of sacrifice, Ellen checked in with a little teaser of the KOM prize-to-be.   You see, most years Mamma T dials up something warm and comfy for the winner of the KOM, usually pink.  But this year, she's been out of commission with a hurty paw, so Ellen stepped in and took the crochet needles by the proverbial throat, and she produced something that may or may not look like this:

Like a mitten for your genitals.
Mittentalia.
I just made that up.
Snow, sunglasses, and model sold separately for your convenience.  But if you manage to get yourself over 3 of the 5 KOM summits first, you'll be a step closer to fashion nirvana (also known as Dyke, VA.)  So thanks for this Ellen.

OK, so let's go ahead and get right to all of the noise about the Route, because I know that's what you're here for anyway, and that picture of the teenager in the knit mankini was just bonus.

The route will remain the same this year.  
I know, I lose all credibility and authority here, because I threatened that there'd be a longer, harder route due to Gordon and B-slow blowing the course away in under 3 hours last year.  But for a variety of reasons, which I'll expand upon below, I feel a change is not in order:

1)  I really don't have all that much credibility or authority in the first place.  The Pantani is her own beast these days, I'm just a puppet.  So no harm done.

2)  After 9 years, Charlie only just figured the route out, and it's my belief that - even if he gets dropped on the way up Brokenback - as long as he can just stay on course this year, he'll charge back up to B-slow and Qwadsworth by the finish line and blow their doors off coming back down Allen rd.  Changing the course would set him back another 9 years, and I just can't do that.

3)  Any route change would be wholly and fully B-slow and Qwadsworth's fault.  And the obvious route change would be to hang a left and go back up and over brokenback from the southwest before finally rejoining 810.  Basically that would add a 6th serious climb, and it would be the hardest one, and it would come last.  And if, by folly or circumstance, Qwadsworth flatted or something went wrong mechanically or otherwise going back up Brokenback on climb 6, and C-ham were to catch up to him there in a moment of angry and delirious poor judgement, strangulation could occur.  And no one wants that.

4)  My wife is attempting the Pantani for the first time this year, as I've mentioned before.  And it would be somewhat cruel to alter the route for the worse in this, her first attempt.  Plus, when I DNF this year and she finishes in fine form on the traditional route and starts talking enormous amounts of shit, I'll be able to decry her feat as irrelevant because it's not on the "Big Pantani Course" whatever that may someday be.

5)  It's already hard enough, as evidenced by the photo above which clearly shows Buschi pushing his bike on foot.  Seriously.  I mean, for the masses, in February, The Pantani is a damn hard thing to ride.  I've witnessed good friends bonk badly enough that I feared for their safety.  I've been unable to do it myself.  Just because Qwadsworth and B-slow can whip around the thing in sub 3 doesn't mean much of anything for the rest of us.  There's an enormous amount of non-racing happening at any moment, and The Pantani - though arduous - is no different.  So party pacers, know that you are still welcome...

Unless they do it again.
I'm serious this time, which will actually be next time, but I know that you know what I mean.

Up, up, up.

Pantani X FAQ, Q&A, and other acronyms.

30 Days until The Pantani Ride goes live.  If you're a real superhePro, I imagine that's about 27 rides from now. So relax, you've got time.

But if you're like me and that really means you've got about 6 rides to shape up before all hell breaks loose, then let's get to the FAQ and cover just what The Pantani Ride is all about before the panic can even set in, shall we?

First, allow me to link you to a few FAQ's from years past.  That would be:
here
here
and even over here.
Chances are pretty good that whatever you're wondering about has either been answered before, or it just doesn't have an answer.

All that aside, the mailbag is brimming with virtual mail the likes of which I've never seen.  It would seem the kids these days are into things that I just don't understand.  GPS data.  Watts.  Heatmaps.  Fatbikes. The bike world, it would seem, has made a serious jump forward whilst I was dallying about, changing diapers, and eating honey stinger waffles in my basement (which I happen to be doing right now.)  Nonetheless, I'm committed to you, the kids, to make it back to the front, if for no other reason than to see the fireworks start at the bottom of Simmons Gap, then fade away.

So let's go in.  To the Mailbag for the annual Pantani Ride X Q&A:

1)  Hey there math major, this is year number 9.  Pantani died in 2004, God rest his soul.  You didn't make it back from Colorado for the first ride until Valentine's day, 2006.

Though not a question, I thought we'd lead off with this one because it appears to actually be correct.  This will be 9 years of Pantani Ride riding, suffering, and remembrance.  Thanks for bursting my bubble, you jackass.  But we're calling it Pantani X anyway, as we'll do next year, and quite possibly the year after that.  Also, I hope you double flat on a live skunk.

2)  What sort of gearing would be adequate to ride the Pantani loop on my Singlespeed Fatbike?

OK, so, this has been in my inbox for a few months.  And I didn't know the answer when it arrived.  But since I've been spending a fair amount of time lately on a Trek Rig, and I recognize that Fatbikes are the very future and soul of hardcore mountain biking, and since I really don't have anything to do anyway; I committed myself to figure this out.  For months, I've been grinding out some steep climbs on the Rig, trying to figure out what's possible if one has drumsticks like mine vs. drumsticks like Quadsworth's.

marginal differences in power here.

Also, I spent an inordinate amount of time on Shawn's Fatbike this week.  4" tires, lots of love, and a penchant for the sort of steep terrain that most bikes back away from.

Surly:  always innovating for new terrain.  

So, after considerable research, here's your answer:  I have absolutely no idea.  The Fatbike is an amazing thing.  Though I'm still not really sure if it's a mountain bike, a bar bike, the spawn of the devil, or something else altogether.  Bender keeps growling at it when he has to walk by it, so there's definitely something different going on there.  But I can offer you this newfound fatbike wisdom:

a)  if you're going to try to hump a SingleSpeed Fatbike around The Pantani Loop, you should simple strap a barf bag onto your handlebars.  Because reverse-eating your breakfast of champions onto your polished, white race shoes gets a little tiresome after the 3rd or 4th time you do it.  
b)  I should leave all future SS gearing questions, fatbike or not, to the immense Singlespeed Wisdom of Kev29er, whom I hope will chime in here with some of that, as he has in years past.  This is officially not my territory.
c)  Bless your heart for trying.  Take your phone.

3)  When does the ride start?  10 or 11?  I see both on blog posts from the past.  
That's a reasonable point.  This has sort of gone back and forth for some time.  This year, we'll roll right on the pointy second of 11 AM, with or without you.  So get there at 10, pump up your tires, have yourself a cocktail of some kind, and keep convincing yourself that you really want to do this until the gun goes off and you don't have a choice anymore.  

4)  How long does it take?  I've got a thing back in Richmond at 3:30.  
Yeah, you're not making that.  I believe our winner last year threw down a course record of something roundabout 3:16.  That's smoking fast (which is to say, he probably doesn't smoke) and probably not a time accessible to the average human masochist.  Also, consider that for the next few hours after an effort like that, you'll probably be incapable of driving your carcass much of anywhere but to the porta-potty and back.  So, if you're coming, I would make arrangements to not be in Richmond at 3:30 PM, and also pack some extra-soft, triple-ply toilet paper.

5)  OK, so I checked out Strava.  It appears to have about 15 different routes taken which represent last year's Pantani Ride.  Does it matter which one I take?
So, you can have a gander at that here.  And let me explain everything you need to know about Strava: it doesn't make any sense.
It does, however, matter which route you take, although let's be honest - it doesn't matter that much.  Look, we're just going for a ride here.  But if you do want to stand up on the proverbial podium and dip you big, fat mitts into the jackpot of Pantani Ride loot, then following the course is a prerequisite.  And it goes a little something like this:
http://connect.garmin.com/activity/68171781
Or here:
http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=4287842
Or here:
http://ridewithgps.com/routes/3889801

6)  Will there be flower-baring Podium Girls to smooch me when I finish?
Great question.  Yes.  Hottest chicks you've ever seen.

7)  What do I win if I win?  
 We're talking about the universally-coveted winner's Maillot Pistachio, the KOM Chapeau (which has been alarmingly missing in action for about 2 years), some Metro-supplied dad-booze of his own choosing for the first Dad to finish and then leave to take care of his kids, and the most amazing pair of Giro-pink socks you've ever stuffed your swollen, singlespeeding, bleeding stumps into.

All of which are American Dreams.
All of which are American Dreams.
All of WHICH are American Dreams.  

8)  Is there a cash payout for pros?
At this time, I'm unable to confirm.  The Pantani Ride financial plan for 2013 was to make C-Ham gain about 300 pounds, enter him into The Biggest Loser, and bet on him in Vegas to take the W.  And though he is in his current state absolutely enormous; his application to The Biggest Loser has been heretofore rejected with some amount of disdain.  Consequently, The Pantani Ride coffers do not have the necessary reserves to pay you in the cold, hard cash that you so crave and deserve.  But keep after it - above all else, race mountain bikes for the money - and I'm certain you'll be rich soon enough.  

9) I'm not sure I understand...why exactly are we riding steep gravel to celebrate the life of a doping roadie?
As for the matter of saluting a doper, this is a fair question and something I've pondered quite a lot.  For certain, Pantani was no saint.  I guess all I can really say is this: the more I learn about Lance Armstrong, the more I like Pantani.  See here.

So thanks for that, Lance.  I guess it really WASN'T about the bike.
As for why the route is gravel, it's mostly about pitch.  The United States has a pretty appalling lack of paved roads with 30% inclines.  Gravel, though?  We're overstock.  

10)  What bike should I ride?  Road bike, Cross bike, or mountain bike?

"The Pantani course is a lot like this sex dream I keep having about Joan Rivers.  It starts off pretty hot, she's young, I'm into her, she's digging me.  But then I get her up to my room, and all of the sudden it's more like one of those naked at a public election dreams, but Joan is still there, and holy shit, she's way older than I thought, and then the whole dream goes Sci-Fi, and she's got this huge green lizard tail growing out of her tits.  And then it gets really violent, and I have to escape, and I won't go into details, but it's moments like that when you're glad you're not on a road bike.  That's how the Pantani ride is. "  - Gordon Quadsworth, Professional Racer and Radmaker

11)  Who's your pick for the win?

Alas, it's still January.  I'm all about betting big and betting young, but this is pretty far in advance to properly gauge the size and talent of the field.  Nonetheless, I'm prepared and ready to do so, if only because with one name I get 3 horses, and it's hard to find better odds than that.
I'll take Wittwer.  Any of them.  Giddyup.

12)  Will there be an interview?
An interesting proposal.  In years past, Oprah or I have always conducted an interview with the winner from the prior year to assess his overall fitness, motivation, and cup size.  This year, though, I think this might not be necessary since we're talking about a repeat champion who also has his own blog.  So why don't you surf on over there, read your heart out, and if there's anything you still want to know but are too afraid to ask him, let me know and I'll ask him for you.  Then I'll write you a phony response.

13)  What's the deal with Brokeback mountain?  I thought that was a Heath Ledger film.  
That's BrokeNback, Mr. Hollywood.  And I'll see your movie reference, and I'll raise you another one by way of an explanation.
If The Pantani Ride were "Full Metal Jacket" (which thank God it's not) then Brokenback would most definitely be the sniper scene.  Take a look around at the start of the thing.  Not everyone you see will be there at the top.



14)  What kind of training should I be doing?
Again, already covered...here.  However, I'll add that Mr. Mark Smith has been championing a Wednesday night MTB crit that meets at Ohill at 6 PM every week.  The course is "short, fast, and very flat."  So that's not exactly a dress rehearsal for The Pantani Ride, but I think it could at least get you in the right mindset, so why not.

15) Can I get the GPX file and cue sheet?
You can and you should.  Voila:
http://ridewithgps.com/routes/3889801

That is 100% of the knowledge that I have, which represents 95% more than I knew about what the kids are doing these days before I started this project.  So rest assured that all bases are covered, and if they're not, then they're probably vital and we're going to have a serious problem.  

Much to follow in the coming weeks, I imagine, so stay tuned.



Up, up, up.  

Pantani Prep

OH MY GOD.  That Pantani Ride is in 8 days, and I don't even have an excuse picked out yet.  This has really gotten away from me this year.  Even the most basic shit - road conditions, weather forecast, picking the winner's name out of a broken, sweaty helmet - I haven't done any of that.  I also haven't fully addressed even what the Pantani Ride actually is for those newcomers to the non-scene that is Il Pantani.  So snuggle up, buttercup, pour yourself a nice hot cup of HTFU, and read on if you need something to distract you from the truth, the awful truth, that you'll be climbing brokenback 8 days from approximately right now.

 What is the Pantani Ride?  What, indeed.  Wait, I've already done this.  Read all about it here:
http://blueridgeracing.blogspot.com/2015/01/what-is-pantani-ride.html
Clear as mud, then.  Wait, except for the fact that the date is Saturday, Feb 13th, and we will go live as a hoofshot horse at 11 AM.  As your attorney, I advise you to arrive early, get on the trainer, and self-medicate on your own interval.  This thing goes out hot.

What bike should you ride?  What, indeed.  To answer this question - and I've answered it many a time mind you - I might quote a younger, stronger, wiser-assed Gordon Wadsworth back when he was on a peyote-induced vision quest for greatness:

We're in the spirit world, asshole, they can't see us.

"The Pantani course is a lot like this sex dream I keep having about Joan Rivers.  It starts off pretty hot, she's young, I'm into her, she's digging me.  But then I get her up to my room, and all of the sudden it's more like one of those naked at a public election dreams, but Joan is still there, and holy shit, she's way older than I thought, and then the whole dream goes Sci-Fi, and she's got this huge green lizard tail growing out of her tits.  And then it gets really violent, and I have to escape, and I won't go into details, but it's moments like that when you're glad you're not on a road bike.  That's how the Pantani ride is."

If Buschi has to walk this, I'm going to need a harness 

I could also just cut to the chase and tell you to ride your hardtail mountain bike, but that would be cheating you out of a potentially really terrible, life-altering, I-saw-bigfoot experience in the mountains, which is what makes a story, so I won't do that.

Road Conditions: So, as of today, it's buttery smooth and clear, top to bottom, front to back.  OK, well, the back might have a little crust on the fringes and what not, but who doesn't.  It's Wyatt Mountain after all, and anything better than post-holing through thigh deep snow back there counts as clean this time of year.  But, it bares repeating - that's TODAY.  It's a different world back there, and some rain in town could be a Donner party devouring blizzard in the wilds of Greene County.  So dress warm and watch the sky.

Weather Forecast provided by Jim Cantani

Forecast: Well, it's a long way from here to Pantani day, but The Weather Channel now offers a no-bullshit, 100% accurate 15 day forecast, and here's that for Greene County.  https://weather.com/weather/tenday/l/USVA0239:1:US
From where I sit, that says snow showers on Tuesday the 9th and then clear and sunny after that (but cold.)  I'd estimate that's about normal.  But again, you know that they don't actually know, and they know that, so they give you the lies 15 days in advance because screw you, you don't believe them anyway.  I'll prove it.  Watch the sky.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner: The talent that is joining us this year will likely outperform the combined level of talent we've had if you combined all of the past 10 years into one mashed up substance, put it in your pipe, and smoked it.  You'd get higher this year.  JB is coming, it's been whispered on the obscure edges of big blue.  Chaz Michaels, winner of yesteryear, is a maybe.  How 'bout Bryan Lewis, past KOM winner who was once outsprinted for the win in a devious move by Qwadsworth himself?  Or newly BRC-stickered pro, Keck Baker?  Ben King, according to Strava, has been riding the ever-loving shit out of his trainer indoors as his leg heals - so will he show up and hand out beers or show up and hand out beatings? Our own Will Leet?  And many others...If you put all of those guys into a cage match in their current forms, and spun the thing at 140 rpm, who would emerge victorious?  My pick: John Petrylak.  He's my guy, and he's Foof after all.  You just can't be 2nd as many times as he's been 2nd and not eventually come up aces.  Plenty of wrong turns, feral pets, and empty bottles out there to dismantle any of the arguably superior competition enough for Petrylak to get over the line first.

That's about all I have for you at this point.  Remember, that sense of panic you're feeling when you're considering that you haven't actually climbed anything more than 200 feet in the last 4 months is normal, useful, and a vital part of the survival instinct that is naturally supposed to kick in when you're faced with something terrible.

Ignore it.

Keep looking for that right hander onto brokenback mountain rd, and up, up, up.

Pantani Results

So that was fun.

I think.  

It always takes a couple of days, Post-Pantani, to process whatever it was that I did to myself out there.  So, too, it might be for you.

And that was a pretty huge turnout.  80+ I'm told.  And I only saw a person or two actually having a miserable time, so that's something I guess.

The results are in:
Winner winner chicken dinner: Quadsworth.  In 2:58 no less.  Thus ruining it for everyone next year.
KOM:  Bryan Lewis.  Also in 2:58, but pipped at the line.  This kid needs a moniker.
Pink Socks: I can only assume Wilson took the rights to these, but those rights are virtual until Metro can gain access to his house once again.
Dad Booze:  I believe Ron and Frank finished side by side, 3rd overall, and thus split the rights to this.  But Ron drank it all.  That's the spirit.
The Queen of Pantani:  I'm actually not sure...First placed lady?  The smart money's likely on Francine, but I don't actually know.  

And a lot of action in between and further back down the road.

I noticed a sort of strange thing happening after the ride, though, and into today and this week it continues; people keep thanking me for the jolly good time they had on Sunday.  So I want to clear that up now because, in case you didn't notice, I didn't actually do anything but talk shit on this blog, then stand on the back of Scottie's truck and talk some more shit at the start line, then suck a whole lot of wind on the ride, then resume shit-talking when I returned home.  And I would do all of that anyway, regardless of where the ride starts or finishes.  No, indeed, I'm scarcely a contributor.  So thank Shawn if you must, or thank the following individuals:

1)  Tom Bouber.  While he might not have actually done anything for you, he did show up to ride the Pantani loop a full day early, only to realize he'd screwed up his calendar, drove around aimlessly for a while, then returned on Sunday to really do some damage to his knees.  I feel he embodies the very spirit of the ride when it comes to resilience, commitment, and concerning amounts of disorganization.

2)  Perhaps more than any other, our wonderful support crew at the top of Fox Mountain, and later - after they figured out alternative means of transportation and a new transmission for the mystery machine - the top of the pop.  It was 24 degrees up there, but their presence made a lonely moment feel pretty damn warm. 

How very European. 

Hello Kitty.

Photos of a certain fan's derriere have been filtered from this blog for your viewing peace of mind (and hopefully to save my already questionable internet rating), but you know what you saw, and let's be honest, some things you cannot unsee.  And it was amazing.  

3)  Mother Nature. Mean enough to deal us a 24 degree descent down Wyatt Mountain, but still kind enough not to drop the kind of snow on the Pop that Sherando saw last week.

and you thought Pantani was hard...

ouch. could have been worse.

4)  Scanlon, who committed a touch more than 100% to the effort, and consequently slid down the top of Wyatt Mtn on his face.  Heal up, homie.

5)  All of you.  Look, we didn't mark the roads, we didn't provide a portajohn, we barely even managed to ride the thing.  And you still rallied.  It's you, the spirited masses, that make this thing a real thing.  And maybe that's what makes it special.

So thank you, and keep the wheels turning.
Up, up, up.  

Pantani 2013 recap and a title yet to be claimed

Remember that time Dee Dee crushed the Pantani Ride and I claimed her data as my own?


I am proud to call that lady a teammate (and steal her fame.)

Yeah, so The Pantani Ride happened.  Big start - maybe 60 or so riders rolled out down Allen Rd under sunny skies, dodging latecomers and dead possum on our way west.  Good things happened out there.  I'm not really sure what.  I made it into the lead group, which was fun for a while, but then I blacked out and came to around the base of Brokenback, suddenly dehydrated, crawl-riding with Saul and Panzaboonen.  Panzaboonen cramped, popped, and I feared for his safety but I pressed on behind Saul, who was slightly disoriented and wondering aloud if we'd just come down this road.  Moments later, Saul was gone too, and I clung to my granny gear, over the summit, and on to the finish. 

But that's more than enough about me.  It's a little difficult to be certain what happened at the front on Sunday given that the most official timing mechanisms were word of mouth, the angle of the sun, and Strava.  I believe as many as half of the sixty or so riders that started got lost, which is about average for The Pantani ride.  But from where I was sitting, which was admittedly very, very far back, it looked like Wadsworth got the win, Wittwer got the KOM, and David Reid once again brought home the dad-booze, all despite some navigational challenges that are par for the course, especially this course, but again I don't know.  It's actually possible that Frank Yeager took all three of those spots, so maybe I'll just trail off here and assess that the guys at the front were going remarkably fast, uphill, with gearing that I'd have trouble pedaling around the block. 

OK, if you really want it, an eyewitness account from the front of the race is here.

First place lady?  I'm not certain.  Might have been Dee Dee, in which case, I'll claim her prize just like I claimed her performance data.  And I'll have that in beer please, whatever it was. 

As for the masses, plenty of stories of mud, fun, and pain.  It's such a big, unique loop on varied terrain that everyone experiences the ride in different ways, but only some of them involve creek-drinking and days of lingering diarrhea.  Fun fact:  If you misspell diarrhea badly enough, Firefox auto-correct will recommend replacing it with the word "warhead."  Good times. 

Plenty of pictures floating around out there. I believe it was the largest Pantani ride so far.  So thanks for coming out and doing your part to making cycling look even more masochistic to your friends and family who simply don't understand why you insist on doing this sort of thing to yourself.



And yet, we're still missing a champion.  So far, I don't think the singlespeed title has been claimed, and with it remains an unclaimed bounty worthy of a pirate.

I say so far with considerable purpose.  Just because no one finished on Sunday doesn't mean that the clock isn't still ticking.  Indeed, showing up at about 10AM sometime next weekend, easing around the course, stopping for a glass of wine at Stone Mountain, a sandwich in Dyke, and even some cookies at the Mission Home Bakery, then cruising in half-sauced by about dusk would, technically, net you a time of something like 6 days and 15 hours, and a heavily asterisked win in the questionably penned singlespeed history books.  I'm just saying, the title is still up for grabs.  Think of the pink socks as a bounty, although in fine pirata form, I believe Metro may have pocketed the goods and run for the River City, so you might need to hunt him down to claim your prize after you claim the title. 

In short, despite a pretty tense race at the front on Sunday, the race is still on.  Get your game face back from the cleaners and saddle up, buttercup.  Those socks aren't winning themselves. 

Up, up, up. 

Pantani preparations

10 short days stand between us and the Pantani ride, that ride being Sunday, Feb 10th at 10 AM. 

 

Realistically, by the time you read this, it's probably more like the night before.  And you're up late, thinking about throwing in the towel, blaming the weather, your spouse, your kids, your bike, your bike shop, anyone; trolling the Internet for info that might lead you to believe the Pantani ride has been cancelled on account of a doping scandal or local pestilence, and generally behaving like a small child. 

 

In that case, welcome to the ride.  We'll see your unprepared, lazy ass tomorrow.  God help you.

 

But in the event that you've actually ended up here 10 days before gametime to get the skinny on how to prepare, you're probably still too late.  Cram training a fortnight before an event has been proven to be *detrimental to your performance (*citation needed.)  But, what the hell, since it's this blog you've turned to, it is this blog that will point you in the right direction, that direction being almost directly up. 

Ahem...

 

Pantani Ride Training and Preparation Recommendations (10 days out.)

 

woooosh.

 



1)  Ride the skinniest, iciest singletrack you can find.  Now since it's, you know, January, your options on this should probably abound.  Unless you live anywhere around here, and the 70 degree, two-day deluge that we just got soaked the white stuff right into the brown stuff, rendering it impassable.  Have patience.  Clearly, you already have that mastered, given that you're training for an event the week before it, but chances are we'll get some more snow between now and then, and you'll be able to prepare your power sliding and out of control brake squealing adequately to make it down Wyatt mountain in one terrified, trembling piece.

This experience brought to you by The Giro D'Ville.  There's strong, and there's Girostrong. 

 

2)  Tire selection.  Give some thought to this, and of course, watch the sky.  I know this has been debated to death, not just tire width but also tire circumference, tire color, and tire smell, but honestly it's pretty important.  Having formerly come from the school of thought that it's hard to go wrong with those nokian 2.5 DH's, I've turned a corner in the last few years and subsequently thrown up a lot less on steep, hard climbs, of which the Pantani Ride has 5.  Worth considering. 

 

3) Recon.  Notice I don't actually call this training.  No,indeed, it will do you very little good at this point to go climb brokenback ten times in your big ring unless your goal is to be on the couch with ice on your knees for the next month.  But a little spin around the lollipop, or across fox mountain, or even just driving out into Greene county and having a look at how terrible that stuff seems will likely get you in the right mindset to either show up stonefaced and ready for a fight, or quit early. 

 

4)  Take up running.  This isn't actually my advice, but apparently that's Kev29ers form of preparation leading up to the big day.  It's sad.  Watching your old riding buddy at a social event trying to line up a man-date for the next day to go running at Ridge Road feels a lot like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.  I went through that.  It hurts.  But I do have his big bike still stashed in my basement from the last time we went riding (2 months ago) and his brakes failed.  So his memory will, if nothing else, live on.  Or maybe he'll show up looking runner trim and, dare I dream it, Basque, and get to the front and stay there?

 

Fuzzy, soft, and blissful is the recipe for forgetting.  Thanks Mom.



5)  Submit your sock size.   That size being about a men's 10, because these puppies are already made.  But you heard it here first: there will be a wee giveaway this year for the first finisher on a singlespeed, technically two giveaways, and they're pink, soft, and cozy on your tootsies on the drive home in the wake of the terrible things you just did to yourself.  Hand knitted by Momma T herself. So while your carpool buddies are trying to rub some life back into their frostbitten feet and popping the kind of puss-filled, throbbing blisters that hiking a cross bike for 3.2 miles on a 20% grade rewards you with, you'll already be well into the denial part of the grieving process and, even sooner, ready to do it all again next year. 

 

6)  While we're on the subject of winners apparel, wash the KOM Chapeau and the Pantani jersey.  Zach, the Chapeau probably needs a sound, deep cleaning, maybe use some turpentine, bleach, scrub it as hard as you can, and whatever you do, never ever feed it after midnight.  Qwadsworth, I know this probably goes without saying, but a real winner dry cleans the Pantani jersey, has it starched and pressed, and shows up looking dapper.  Dress how you want to perform, that's all I'm saying. 


7)  Steal pictures from other cyclebloggers websites, try to draw them out to participate in an effort to feel better about your own poor performance.  OK, that's just for me.  But here we go. 

I can't get more blatant than that. 

8)  Buy booze.  I'm looking at you, Metro.  Not only the highly-caffeinated, prize for the fastest dad kind, but also the mid-pack, hoppy, ease the pain before the ride home kind.  I know that you know that I know what I'm referring to here, and that's good enough for me.  And probably good enough for David Reid again as well. 

9)  Establish allies.  Teamwork, as a part of cycling, is often credited for winning at the front.  But it's far more often overlooked as credit for just finishing at the back, and that's a shame.  Sometimes, just having a friendly, agonized face to suffer near will get you over the hump.  If it helps the process, take a little road trip out to Kentucky the weekend, car-talk your boys into a little strategy, and watch Cross Worlds happen in person.  Because, if nothing else, you might absorb some speed via osmosis. 

10)  Consider that the painful part of cycling, which is sure to find you on Sunday the 10th given your very late consideration of the subject, is actually what makes it good.  If it didn't hurt, everyone would do it, which I have difficulty even imagining but I don't estimate it would be quite as fun.  So by that logic, pain is what makes the effort worthwhile.  Remind yourself of that a few times on the way to the top of your own mediocre finish. 

Above all, enjoy the ride. 


Up, up, up.

 

 

 

All clear atop the mighty fox

I took a little spin out to the top of Fox Mountain this morning, as I have many times before on Pantani eve - to check the course conditions and set some snares- and I can report back that things are in good shape.  No snow, no ice, nothing.  I'll admit, there were flurries.  But nothing that would make you think "hey, I shouldn't ride the Pantani Route tomorrow."

Even better, the no dumping sign at the summit of the Fox's first peak seems to be gone.  So I'm assuming it's OK to poop here now, if necessary.

The sign and the sun, both missing.  

It occurred to me, while rolling around sort of aimlessly and pondering the state of the economy or whatever, that a person seeking the Fox Mountain KOM might not be clear about which Foxy peak is actually the KOM point.  To clear that up: it's the second one (of two, the fox has two ears.)  If it helps to visualize it, picture the Fox facing north (and likely singing his very heart out) and the proper KOM ear is the left one.

Conditions west of there?  I can't really say.  It's a different world back there, and I actually haven't been up Brokenback in a couple weeks because, as you might have heard, it's a miserable climb.  But rumor has it that the pop is in decent shape, and ready for a record to be set.  

That's all I can do for you.

Upwards, and so forth.

Pantani X in the books

Scud would have been 65 today.  

Don't get me started on the passage of time.  I'll start blubbering, and you'll get uncomfortable, and we'll both leave this awkward blog post a little stranger than we started, and no one wants that.

Yesterday, under a huge blue sky and on near perfect dirt, The tenth Pantani ride went live after a rough go of weather for the last 6 weeks.  Sensory shock and springtime bliss being as they are, it was pretty surreal.  There was this long stretch in the middle of the afternoon, 2 pm or so I guess, and I was climbing brokenback and feeling pretty dizzy, and the sun was beating down and it was finally full-on hot, and I couldn't remember how old Scud was when he passed away, or what the last song was on the Metallica black album, or when I started riding bikes.

These are the things you begin to forget, I've been told.  But they also stick with you, in ways that you can't identify.

The last time I rode with Scud was up there, on a full moon ride to flattop, and the dirt that night might have been the only time it's ever been better.  So I always feel a little connected to Scud when I'm up that way.

Then, to make his point perhaps, there was this massive tailwind on the ride back in, maybe 20 miles/hour or more at times, and as I came past the turn for Davis Shop - for my tenth Pantani finish that is - there were dead leaves blowing up the hill faster than I could pedal.  I was physically and suddenly awakened by that, and I had to pause and smile.  Son of a bitch crafty old bike rats always know when to attack.

Chris Michaels from Rocktown took the W in fine form with a 30+ mile solo breakaway.  On a full suspension mountain bike.  Into a headwind.  Along the way, he got all 5 kom's, and he finished in 2:58.  That's some Pro level shit.

Not as pro, but way, way better, Chris is now the proud owner of the tackiest kit on Earth, that being the Maillot Pistachio for the W and the accompanying but not-so-matching handknit knickers.  I'll track those down and deliver them for you, Chris, after a really minimal amount of wearing them myself.

Anyway, a big crew hung about for a while, we followed all of the action up with a few hours of lying around in the sunshine on my front deck, eating chips and drinking beers, and swapping war stories and ride plans, and things finally came into focus.  It was like the afternoon was celebrating us just as much as vice versa, and you only get so many days like that.

So anyway, thanks to all of you for coming out and getting rad, and thanks for peeking in on us Scud, wherever you are, where I hope that you're out riding and not waiting for us.

Up, up, up.

Throwing in the towel already

The gun for the Pantani ride goes off in exactly 17 days.  In my world of cram-training before an event, that's an eternity.  But already, some people are throwing in the towel.  Maybe it's the cold.  Maybe it's the harsh reality of riding the trainer.  Maybe it's the micro-tearing in your creamy hamstrings that you can't seem to stretch your way out of (you can't, I've been told.)

Though you can use better posture when you're fixing your chain, at night, in the freezing cold, while wearing shorts.  

Heal up, Kev29er.

Even the Godfather of Montebello himself pulled the plug already, citing poor winter fitness, opting instead to drive to the tippy-top of the pop and heckle and offer beer handups. Interesting side note, if you're ever feeling your age and looking for a reason to not ride, The Godfather sent me this:

"It's not your fault, you can't throw the bottle like a football."

No idea who to credit for that creation, and if there's one thing in this world that I don't comprehend, it's road racing in Florida.  But that is absolutely brilliant.

On the other hand, it would seem some folks have opted for the opposite end of the training spectrum, where you make sacrifices, endure the pain, push through the cold, and maybe even have yourself a stravagasm for a few days before someone takes it back.

Not to draw undue attention to this fella' if he wants to ghost into the breakaway without anyone really knowing he's a threat, but that's some pretty serious wattage.  So when the wedge gets driven going up Fox Mountain this year, I anticipate someone will need to tell me about it.  Because I'll be way too far back in the trunk to see it.  Maybe take a picture.

More to come soon, hopefully regarding the whereabouts of our beloved, cherished KOM Chapeau, last seen at Pantani 2012.  Now paging Zach "The Manimal" Morrey to the red courtesy phone for questioning.

Up, up, up.

Rock Sox

One brief mention of a pair of pink, fuzzy, handmade, warm, thoroughly awesome socks to be awarded to the first singlespeeder to cross the line on Sunday, and the entirety of singlespeed nation seems to be thrown into a sudden, manic tailspin.  Straight to the mailbag, where I'm not kidding, the very essentia of riding one-geared bikes now seems called into question. 

Badass socks!  But I'm actually a size 13.  Can the hem be adjusted? 
Can I run a flip flop hub? 
Is there a prize for the first guy to finish on a fixie? 
What SS gearing do you recommend?
I'm a sure win.  Can I preemptively wear them for the ride on Sunday?
How long did it take to make those?  Are they wool?  Are they machine washable?  Do they come with a warranty?
I'm thinking about switching from gears where I have no chance to win anything, to SS where maybe the competition will be thin enough that I can actually win.  What do you think?  How many singlespeed registrants do you currently have?
If I win both the overall and the KOM and I do it all on a singlespeed, and I'm a dad that has to go home and take care of his kids afterwards, do I win the jersey, the chapeau, the socks, and the highly-caffeinated booze?

Shhhhhhhh.  This level of stress, in the week leading up to the most important non-race on the international singlespeed non-calendar, is not conducive to having good legs on race day.  Let's back into these answers one delicately crafted, politically correct answer at a time. 

If I win both the overall and the KOM and I do it all on a singlespeed, and I'm a dad that has to go home and take care of his kids afterwards, do I win the jersey, the chapeau, the socks, and the highly-caffeinated booze?
It's important to have dreams, I get that.  Dreaming big, it's been said, is the only way to dream.  But it's also a pretty good way to disappoint yourself and those around you that listen to your drivel.  So to answer your question directly: yes, prizes and categories are cumulative.  It's sort of like the Tour De France, where a guy could, technically, win the KOM, the Maillot Jaune, the Green sprinters jersey, and the best young riders jersey after one very unlikely, chemically-altered 3 week race.  But around here, we'll also throw in a 5th and 6th prize for that sort of behavior - a healthy ass kicking and a swirlie dip in the icy waters of the teventrails portajohn.  You're officially on notice.  Take your skinny, sandbagging ass to Europe where it belongs. 

I'm thinking about switching from gears where I have no chance of winning anything, to SS where maybe the competition will be thin enough that I can actually win. What do you think? How many singlespeed registrants do you currently have?
Technically, that's 2 questions.  And in a lot of ways this sort of rationale has brought the once-nearly-extinct Professional Singlespeeder subspecies of cyclist back to the flourishing, rapidly breeding population that exists today.  But lucky for me I only need one answer:  this is not a good idea for you.  I like your enthusiasm, and it's swell to see how inspired you are to have warm, fuzzy feet on the way home, but like most long singlespeed rides, the idea of such a thing and the reality of limping your swollen knees and hurty toes up brokenback mtn rd are just really different things.  Leave the singlespeeding to the people who can actually speed. 

How long did it take to make those? Are they wool? Are they machine washable? Do they come with a warranty?
Momma T whipped up these hand-knitted, machine washable, cotton puppies in about 40 hours of continuous, forced, hard labor in the newly anointed Teven-sweatshop.  She was allowed 3 short breaks for water and stale bread.  Your future thoughts on kinder labor conditions are welcome, but in case you haven't noticed, there's a lot of little teven-feet to be socked these days, and little time to do it.  So the beatings will continue until sock production increases.  Warranty void upon purchase.  Not valid with any other offer.  Singlespeeding is inherently dangerous and will cause hemorrhoids.  Don't eat the yellow snow. 


I'm a sure win. Can I preemptively wear them for the ride on Sunday?
You won't get your greasy, sweaty blisters into these Pink bunnies until you've earned them.  Work for it. 

What SS gearing do you recommend?
This kind of technical question starts to get outside of the scope of my own expertise, but I can tell you with pretty good authority that no one gear is the correct gear.  On brokenback, for example, 22X34 is a little tall, but the obvious shortcomings that one gear would produce going down the rollers on Wesley Chapel makes it really not an option.  I believe I once saw Kev 29er climb Simmons gap all the way to the observatory (3,000 feet or so) on 33X19 or some such nonsense, but today he's a wheelchair-confined, hydrocephalic narcolep with very little to live for.  So I can appreciate your question about this given the severity of the consequences, and I'm sorry I don't have a better answer.  Maybe Kev29er himself can chime in here and offer some insight. 

 Is there a prize for the first guy to finish on a fixie? 
I'll refrain from my full soapbox diatribe on this subject and just say that, as a culture of cyclists, we cannot continue to divide and subdivide ourselves as a whole to try to better-define ourselves as individuals.  No one cares that you don't have a freewheel, and you look only slightly more silly than the rest of us.  Not that it's not cool.  Riding fixies is very cool.  But your reward for being the fringe of an already fringe activity is the process itself, which is the entire point for most of us anyway, with an added bonus of the worst chafing you can possibly imagine. 

Can I run a flip flop hub? 
Again, this sort of falls outside of my knowledge of what's acceptable and not acceptable in the societal hinterlands where singlespeed competitions exist.  But I believe the correct answer is yes, you can run it, but if you actually flip it, or flop it, or whatever you do to change the gearing, you're technically shifting, and you'll be disqualified, disbanded, and beaten with a sack of old, Phil Wood hubs.  The only flipping that's permitted is the over-the-bars variety on steep, icy downhills. 


Badass socks! But I'm actually a size 13. Can the hem be adjusted? 
I don't actually know what a hem is, but I think you're in luck.  The model in the photo above is Pappa T, a size 11 if memory serves me, and he's got some room to breathe in there.  So those with big, singlespeeding feet are still invited to try to hurt themselves and reap the rewards, and those with smaller feet will probably need an undersock, if there is such a thing. 


Whatever happens, someone's gettin' paid in pink socks, and that's worth fighting for.  Just remember, the socks aren't actually yours.  No, indeed, just like the jersey and the chapeau, you're the caretaker of the socks for a year, and if you can't make it back next year you'll have to rinse the booze and puss out and mail them back in to Pantani ride HQ in time for the next champion.

Believe in yourself.  But don't blow up, up, up.