Friday, February 17, 2012

Pantani Ride Q&A and General Misinformation

Let's get this out of the way early:
The Pantani ride is happening this weekend, blizzard or not.

A little snow doesn't scare me.  A lot of snow scares me a little, but that's the thing about the peloton - it rolls on, with or without you.  And, let's face it, we've been in this situation before

And it was awesome. 

With that said, and for the sake of real, genuine misinformation (much of it remarkably outdated) let's dig into the mailbag and see what's so hard to understand. 

Let's start with the basics:
Q: Is the great Pantani ride happening this weekend?
A:  Yes.  Sunday at 11 AM, so not technically ALL weekend, but this weekend nonetheless.  But just a quick caveat to that statement, the only person one Earth with the panache, dedication, and heart to make the Pantani last all weekend is IN.  So, quite possibly, we'll be here until Monday. 

Q:  Really?  I'm in, but what time is it?  Your website says 10 and the blog says 11.
A:  Vague, yeah?  Technically, we are rolling at 11 AM Sunday on the big bulbous nose, but arriving by 10 AM or so in order to fix your flat tire, adjust your jock strap, align your compass, and generally screw your head on straight is probably a good idea. 

Q:  I can't seem to find the registration page on BikeReg.  How do I sign up?
A:  You'll need to write, print out, and sign a legal document proclaiming your intent to race the esteemed Pantani race and also claiming coverage under some kind of  team-sponsored, multi-national insurance policy; have it notarized, emblazoned with silver, and then laminate it.  Then, show up on Sunday, come to the start line, and shove it directly up your ass.  And you're in.  Easy as that. 

Q:  You mentioned that your pre-race interview with C-Ham was mostly fictitious.  But I have it on good authority that C-Ham does actually have Chlamydia. 
A:  That is not technically a question, but we'll allow it because it's awesome, and also a great reminder to you kids out there to think before you become grossly intoxicated and use a public restroom.  Thanks for the reminder. 

Q:  Speaking of which, that pre-race interview is no longer available?  What gives?
A:  Another smidge of cycling history, devoured by the internet. 

Q:  Hey Boss is the starting address still 551 Allen Road 22936? Pantani goes live at 11am right? I'm kicking around bringing the cross bike, what do you think would the MTB be the safer bet due to road conditions?
A:  That's at least three questions, actually, but again, fine.  Yes, we'll start from 551 Allen Rd at 11 AM.  The Cross Bike vs Mountain Bike vs Road Bike theory has been kicked around and tested to the point of breaking.  I'll say that the first half of the course is a good cross bike ride, but the lollipop loop at the top is really not.  By the time you come off Simmons Gap on the final push home, you'll probably see an even mix of bikes around you.  But you won't see *Bob Anderson*, no matter what he's riding.  He's already done. 
*speaking of which, someone please send off a homing pidgeon or a smoke signal or a flare or something to let Bob know about this ride. 

Q:  What do I do if there's inclement weather?  My smartphone says it'll be 37 degrees and snowing on Sunday at 11 AM. 
A:  Never mind, for a moment, how smart your phone may or may not be, or its merits as weather prognostication technology.  Never mind the fickle nature of February weather.  Never mind your lack of grit.  Marco Pantani would go.  If you can admit, at least to yourself, that pain is a part of why you ride and a part of what makes it good, then bad weather is actually something that will enhance the experience.  But please bring a winch if you have one because parking could get a little soft. 

Q:  It's going to be wet, cold, and determined on Sunday.  Is C-Ham still your pick?  Thomas Bouber is Belgian. 
A:  That's more like it.  Great question.  C-Ham is, indeed, still my pick.  But your point about Bouber's nationality, as well as the implied conclusion derived from it, are both entirely valid.  Mental note to try to spend some time on Bouber's 6 if he doesn't torch me in the first mile. 

Q:  Will there be a KOM category? 
A:  Hmmmm.  As much as I'd like to discard this question as irrelavant and needless change, I have to admit that Marco Pantani would dig a KOM category.  Really, the fact that we've had no KOM category to this point is sort of an oversight.  But, when you think about it, every ride you've ever been on has a KOM category.  Polkadotted jersey or not, there's always that one guy on every ride who has to get to the top first, bonk, crash on the descent, and repeat until he winds up at the finish mid-pack in a drippy mess.  So yes, unofficially-offically, there is a KOM category.  Prize to be determined.  But consider yourself to be grabbing a point if you're the first one over Fox mtn , the gap above Blackwells Hollow on 810, Mission Home, or the mailboxes at the top of brokenback either time you go past them.  That's 5 points up for grabs, I suppose, but if you've got sufficient bloodflow to your brain that you're able to count them, then you're doing it wrong. 

Q:  Better provision:  bear spray or cell phone?
A:  Toss up. 

Q:  OK, I'm in.  But I'm pretty sure I'll get lost and that intimidates me.
A:  Relaaaaaax.  Come on, think about it, what's the worst that could happen.  goooooood.   Now, take all of those thoughts, and flush them down the toilet with your EPO suppository.  Better?  Gooooood.  Now print these maps and this queue sheet, place them in a dry plastic baggie so your blood and tears don't render them soggy and worthless, and rest up so you can just tuck in with a fast group and not worry about navigation anyway. 

That's about all I can do for you at this point, folks.  If things are still too cryptic or undefined for you, then chances are The Pantani Ride isn't for you anyway. 

Just in case, though, here are some Q&A links from yesteryear:

It's a mighty fine Friday, sunshine peaking in the window like the weekend from right around the corner.  So that's about that. 

Until Sunday, be kind to each other, relax a bit, and put your money where your mouth is. 

Up, up, up. 


  1. Sunday, Sunday...SUNDAY!

    See you boys in a few hours. Sans Rooster!

    Let the name calling begin. Oh and I'm bringing GPS this time so that maybe I can only do the climb once. Then again maybe some Giro training is in order.


  2. And the unofficial, unofficial results are??????

  3. A recap from the perspective of one of Foghorn's peeps:

    From a series of texts to KC a bit ago...

    Kevin: I'm guessing you lost your phone yesterday in the Hell that was the Pantani ride

    Brad: I had it, but was likely 'searching for service' the whole time - I was happy w/performance, was able to climb all but a short stretch to the apex...then an ungodly descent into dante's hell (green county) where my soul withered as I'd have to push my bike back up the mtn w/legs as capable as a paraplegic's...I was nestled into a wintery bosom as I slogged up, up, up - descent home into driving snow soon eliminated the sweat that was weighing down my clothing...back on the valley floor, I found the 33 degree slush spraying my human under carriage invigorating - self doubt crept in as my glasses froze over - the cue sheet neglected a switch in road #s, directing me to go right on a phantom road - I opted to follow the stream next to me downward - that is where humans gather - in Northonsville to be exact - self doubt had some self loathing, map, N'ville confirmed as on route - now local resident lets 2 large dogs out to 'do business' in rapidly descending snow...screaming "I'm sorry" when dogs alert her to my shivering presence...180 degree bike whip and test of remaining gas in engine under way - dog 1 knocks rear sideways as taste of titanium is considered foreign and retreats - dog 2 doubts assessment and provides chase for 150 yards until my panic outlasts his endurance...many more miles roll away until "home" is found thru blinded eyeware - parking lot empty except for Metro's snow covered bike - he steps from heated shed as new born's mom is rightfully fearful to allow cadre of mentally unbalanced strangers into her home...we load gear in truck & change, me pondering choice of flip flops while standing in 3" of snow - truck runs on high temp while Fat Tire is downed...WTH is Frank & "was his death quick" lingers in our mind (between beers) for another hour when a hybrid bike/yeti appears...flash to ride home where whiteout begins as 522 is passed, resulting in use of rumble strips as bush sonar to determine if we're on road - our anger for Foghorn doesn't turn to respect - it turns to hatred for not sharing our little slice of hell - this sh!t happened to the forefathers every frigging day! - they didn't tell the people to HTFU, they lived HTFU...I'd like to be so arrogant as to believe the forefathers raised a toast to us last night...oh, a snow covered tree fell on my truck last night - apparently it doesn't like the taste of Ti either (she was still in truck) - Ti is the adamantium of my microcosm, and yeah, I'll head back to duel Pantani again - with gears and maybe an 8-ball to even out the fight.

    The above forgot to mention Frank's 2 flats and the 2 gentlemen (Mormon like attire w/bible in hand) descending from the Mission Home for the Mentally Challenged that professed "like" for Frank's and my bikes - the verbal exchange would have felt much more comfortable had we been descending, rather than ascending at approximately 6 RPM. If there is a direct correlation next year to the # of flats Frank has and the number of Mission Home gents professing bike interest on our ascent next year - it is safe to assume that Mulder and Scully will replace Brad and Frank in Pantani 2013.