Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Costumes, Costumes, Costumes

Paranormality will kick into overdrive in 2 short days, assuming that you're the kind of person who likes to put on your costume Friday night,  imbibe enough Ninja Porters to sleep soundly in it, wake up Saturday conveniently dressed for the day, and roll straight to the Northside for The Paranormal.

Costume reports from near and far:
Cookie Monster
Birder with petition to ban bikes from Ragged Mountain
Brian Silva 
Obama's half brother, Malik
Drunk Ken Bone
Religiously Offensive Public Servant
Soyuz Space Rocket and the ISS
Cattle Rustler

I advised one individual that it was too soon for a Zombie Dave Mirra costume, though something tells me Dave Mirra would disagree with me about that.  So, whatever, do what you will.

Anyway, the weather looks absolutely splitter.  Some rain Friday morning will tamp the dust down a little, and we'll be left with HUGE blue skies, cool temps, and hero dirt for one and all.  If someone dresses as Grothar, God of Weather, please make it a point to give that person a high five.

Feeling the need to pre-ride?  The course should be 100% marked, leaf blown, and dialed to perfection by Saturday AM.  So show up early Saturday and you'll get first tracks on what I believe it our finest Paranormal track yet.  If you feel the need to pre-ride BEFORE Saturday, get in touch with me directly and I'll make that happen for you.

Tune in, dress up, and be here Saturday.

Up up up.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Paranormal Predictions 2016

You know the story.
No guts no glory.

Not much can compare to that, but anyway, I give you my Paranormal Predictions of Greatness (and not so) for this bizarre election year of our lawd, 2016.

First, The Weather:
HERO Dirt is the forecast.  A wee bit of rain on Friday will leave the track tacky, but not sloppy.  Skidding and yipping with joy.  Also , it'll be a tad cooler, which will be nice considering all the sweating and cursing the bugs we'll be doing this week to prep the course for your reaping.

Second, Costumes:
There's usually very little reason to doubt the offensiveness, tastelessness, and filth of Scott Ramsey's costume.  So he's a tough man to bet against when it comes to the costume contest, except that he's so very often DQ'ed for the sheer raunch of it.  But this year I received a murky text from someone else - who shall remain nameless - days ago, that eluded to the fact that his significant other came back from a business trip, spied his costume still mid-creation on the workbench, and instantly assumed it was a sex toy.  So that person shall remain my nameless pick for Costume champion - but I have a feeling we will all know it when we see it.

Onto the Categories, quick and dirty.  Emphasis on QUICK.

Solo Women: Laura Hamm, should she turn up, will have to pry the solo winner's check out of Anne Pike's cold, dead fingers.  But will she?

Solo Men: Petrylak.  I'm falling asleep here.  By a full lap or two?  Until someone, ANYONE, shows me something, ANYTHING, that halfway resembles EITHER the engine to out-pedal or the stones to out-handle Petrylak in the single at night, I think it's Petrylak AHEAD BY A CENTURY.  But I'll accept any and all applications to the contrary, because quite frankly, watching Petrylak kick every one of your asses by 10+ miles every year is a straight yawner.  Get your shit together, Richard Serton.

Solo SS: Iron Mike Coco.  He officially signed up, he runs about 39 X14 or so, and he slugs the High Life like it's G2 gatorade.  I think Kesecker, having just come off a training camp in the hills and hollers of North Carolina with that part timer has-been Gordon Qwasdsworth, will at least give Coco a scare or two. But it's 6+ hours of Singlespeeding.  I think it takes a lifetime of SS commitment - along with a healthy dose of not actually caring about your knees - to really do that to yourself for that long at top speed, and Coco has made that commitment.  Unless Dicky hitchhikes to E-Rallys-ville to show off his costume?  Headquarters to Dicky, over...

Duo Categories - all of them - lumped together:  Look, let's be honest - you people don't count.  We all know damn well that the sun goes down, the kegs get tapped, and whichever one of you is out on a  lap comes back into the transition super hot to find a drunk teammate with a burger and a beer in their hand as a peace offering/bribe not to be sent back out for another beating, and you take it, the capes come off, and you get down to the business of eating, drinking, and talking shit about you partner by the fire whilst funding CAMBC's heretofore unbuilt Preddy Creek pump track.  I'm not judging.  Far from it - I am ONE of you.  So bring cash, and let's get that thing built.  

TRIO:  OK, it's the first time out for this thing, and so it's tough to get my head around just what is possible here.  I think this could be a legit, fast race for glory - knocking down maybe 8 laps?  Is 8 possible?  We shall find out, I think.  Especially if Bryan Lewis, Ben King, Jake King, or some other similar underfunded yet still very pro assembly shows up in costume with business to be done.

But back to my earlier point, they still might not beat Petrylak.

You know what's up:
sign up
dress up
show up up UP.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Paranormal Costume #389,114: Hoverbiker


Never mind, for the time being, the implications of this.  What such machines will mean for the bike industry, capitalism, road legality, trail access, trail building, shit - trails AT ALL.  Because who will need an actual trail when you don't really touch it anyway.

Never mind the fleeting concept of dirt jumps when technically EVERYTHING is a jump, with or without a man-made launchpad.
Never mind how exactly street legality will be assessed, and how much maintenance will be required, and whether there will be a single speed version.  Will we race them.  Will there need to be mens and womens divisions.  Will they have parachutes.

Never mind if there will be a fat-hover-bike.  Will there be an off road vs on-road set of product details?  Seat belts.  Will we wear the helmets that Luke and Leia wore in speeder chase scene in Return of The Jedi that sorta look like POC helmets anyway?

Never mind what sprinting will look like, or how much it will cost, sum total, when the pro hover bike peloton crashes in the nasty, reduced bunch, hover-sprint finale at Amstel Gold.  (Probably upwards of $1 billion.)

Death Star?  Do you even Enduro, brah?

Never mind all that for now.  Focus, for the time being, on what matters:
How are you going to costume yourself as any/all of the above for The Paranormal?

You've got 10 days.
But also, a whole lifetime.

Hoverbikes, too, go up up up.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Costume is French for Costume

Someone told me a few days ago they didn't have any good costume ideas for the Paranormal.

Naturally, I told them that was a complete and total crock of shit.

You see, when you were growing up, and your parents told you that you could be anything you want, they weren't talking about real life.  Don't be silly.  They were talking about Halloween.  But yes, ANYTHING.

Exhibit A.

Plus, if you take a header into the pond because that single track below my house has gotten a little, shall we say, "natural" - at least you will float.

In my experience, of which I have a great deal, finding and putting on your Halloween costume is rarely the problem.  It's keeping it on.  That's where bad decision get made.

OK, I'm short on time, and long on the odds that my Paranormal predictions will be right anyway, so I'll trail off here and allow you to ruminate on the concept of Team Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.  (long.)


Thursday, September 29, 2016

Trio category costume ideas for The Paranormal

With the unleashing of the much-acclaimed, always-requested, now-available TRIO CATEGORY at the Paranormal this year, I figured it would be worth a brain dump of all the Trio costume ideas I've had floating around in my grey matter (urine) for all these years - years that the Trio Cat has been oppressed.

Bel Biv Devoe
Ivana, Marla, and Melania Trump
The father, the son, and the whole wheat ghost*
Paper Rock Scissors

And, of course, our own Breaking Bad

Three's Company
Knife, Fork, and Spoon
The Three Bears who ate Goldilocks
Three Notch'd Brewery
The Three Little Pigs
Love Triangle

*Also available on a gluten free bun

That list goes on and on and, of course,
Up Up Up.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

This just in...

West Virginia kicks ass.

Also, pro tip - if you are easily disoriented and kinda scuzzy looking, marry a lady who can take up the slack for you.

You Are Here.  

This is what they call marrying UP.  

And up, and up, and up.  

Thursday, September 22, 2016

In Triplicate

The Paranormal ROLLS!
BikeReg, FaceBook, and whatever other social technology the kids are into these days are all live.

If you're new to this little scene, you're in for a treat.  If you're a 15-year Paranormal Veteran like Iron Mike Walling, here are a few things you might notice are different this year:

1)  There's a TRIO category.  That's right...not one, not two, but three of you can race as one team for the low low price of $100.  And conveniently, if you play your cards just right, start third, and plod around the course with a maximum amount of socializing, costume malfunctioning, and other mechancal failures, you might be able to get away with doing only a single lap.  It'll take commitment, but it's out there for the taking.

The flip side of that, for those super fast individuals who want to know just how many laps could be commenced in a 6 hour window, I think you might be able to log 9 laps total.  And Petrylak will still beat all 3 of you.  By himself.  Added bonus that if your light fails in the woods, you'll be letting down not one, but two of your friends, creating awkward exchanges with both of them for months to come.

2)  Firepower.  If you've been watching the bike news, you'll have seen many pros didn't get contracts for 2017, because, you know, that shit is dying or whatever.  But their loss is our gain, as maybe some of them (former champs, KOM holders, and the like) will turn up and throw down some fast laps with the dregs of the rest of us.  Which, they'll maybe realize, is way, way better anyway.  Welcome home, boys and girls.

3)  COW COSTUMES.  My hope is that this will be the year of the Cow Costume, in all it's various shapes, colors, sizes, and smells.  Does a steak costume count as a cow costume?  Get well soon, Dad, there's a contest to judge.

Oct 22, the gun goes off at 4 PM.

There's one way to the top, and it's up, up, up.