Tuesday, June 13, 2017

ALICE COOPER

Paranormal Costume Idea #109,045: Alice Cooper


The Paranormal.  4 months, 1 week from tomorrow.  And speaking of which, The Paranormal course, post-logging-apocolypse, is coming along well.  So it would seem we'll have something around 9 miles of single to enjoy, race, and make dangerous passes in all the corners.
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I think a really thoroughly put together Duo Team of Alice Cooper/Ozzy Osbourne might win the costume prize.  Young Ozzy or old Ozzy? Either way.  Tasteful, yet still terrifying.

Telephone is ringin.

Because if you want to get down, you gotta dress up.
Up.
UP!

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Thieves


If you happen to be out in Snowshoe this weekend, sending it off every wooden structure you can find - bridges, teeters, random fences, houses, what have you - you'd be well-served (perhaps even over-served) to stop by the Wanderlust festival and give The Ballroom Thieves a listen.

Then get back to the sending it before the Yoga overtakes you.

Speaking of thieves, at this juncture, I don't believe Zach Stone's semi-famous, one of a kind cross rip has been recovered.  Which means that we have been heretofore unable to get out a pair of needle nose pliers and a blowtorch, get medieval, etc etc.  So the onus is still upon all of us to be vigilant, shoot first, and ask questions later.

And also on a previously documented but unfinished subject, it looks like Qwadsworth got himself onto the extended podium at Dirty Kanza over the weekend and from the scorecard, it appears he may have bullied a guy named Tubbs in a 2-up sprint for 5th. Even better, you can rest easy, world: Imposter Wadsworth, despite his big talk and showboating (which he didn't actually do, unfortunately) came in 45 minutes in arrears.

Proving, once and for all, that it's not how fast you ride.  It's how far you ride fast.

Maybe we'll have a proper race report from Qwadsworth in the coming days that documents the harrowing, 200-mile death march (the kind where you might actually die) that is Dirty Kanza.  If we don't, I'll just make it up.

I'm not fake news, you're fake news.

Up, up, up.

Friday, June 2, 2017

MANHUNT

FIND THIS THING.



"It'd been worth him doing it, just so I could've caught him." - Vincent Vega.


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

TALL BIKES WILL SAVE THE WORLD


I've always said that.

The power of the bike to bring people together is, perhaps, equal in strength only to its power to divide and subdivide us into smaller and smaller sub-groups.  It's an attempt to define ourselves as individuals, I get it.  But I fear it will affect the whole.

That's the danger of exclusion, I fear.  Your self-righteousness smells worse than your unreachable saddle.  Tall bikes, you ain't saving shit.

Especially when one of you decides to do some additional welding and installs a 4000 mm dropper post, and the whole cult comes unhinged over whether or not that's a part of your original principles.  Then you'll have two crews - tall bikers purists (crusty) and tall biker revolutionaries (sellouts).  No middle ground.  No dialogue.  Just a lot of jostling and fuck you's and terrifying long falls back to the Earth.

See also, The United States of America.

Up, up, up.  Like, really, terribly far up, which it turns out is not up at all.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

"What is journalism coming to?"

I sure am glad Tom Skujins is OK.  After crashing in the ToC last night, he staggered around in the road for a while, in traffic, looking sort of like a baby horse trying to find his legs.  Not good:


But if Frank Drebin can pull through such an on-camera daze, I'm sure Skujins will be just fine too.



Heal up, up, up, Kid.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Paranormal Costume Idea # 763,398

Paranormal Costume Idea # 763,398: Five Man Acoustical Jam.


Better get on that early, though.  It'll take some serious attention to detail - that purple shirt alone seems to defy physics by even holding on to Jeff Keith's wiry, chain-smoking torso.  Imagine him with a helmet on and tell me you don't see Richard Serton.  It would take some work, of course.  But for even one spectator to be like, "wait a minute, dudes, are you guys dressed as Tesla?" - it would all be worth it.

For authenticity, you'd have to smoke, which might inhibit your anaerobic capacity later in the evening.  But legends are legends, and you'd be playing your part in history, just another thing that rocked before Qwadsworth was even born.

And speaking of Qwadsworth, who is basically too famous to even check in most of the time these days, I've been getting shady text messages from him about his intent to race Il Giro D'Ville this year, a mere 4-day stage race to tune up his "i don't sit to pedal" ass before heading out to Dirty, Filthy Kansas to race 200 miles of sharp gravel on his cross bike.

Dirty Filthy Kansas, if you might recall, is where none other than Imposter Wadsworth lives , which I have to assume is the real reason our Wadsworth is going out there in the first place, to finally have the Highlander-themed showdown that has been brewing since I pointed out they share the same last name back in 2015 and Gordon proceeded to call Nathan all kinds of terrible names that I can't repeat here.


Again, as a devoted member of the cycling press corps, I'm committed to keeping you, the public, informed about how this all shakes out.  And though it might sound a little tired, haggard, pre-recorded even, I still think that Love Will Find A Way.

Which was my original point anyway.  TESLA.  Coming to JPJ tomorrow night, I'm told, opening for Def Leppard, just as they did in 1987.

Proving, once again, that the clock only runs one way, and that's up, up, up.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

AHQ


So rarely am I out in front of a band that is on the rise.  Usually, I find out about great music shortly after the band breaks up, or someone vital to the sound dies, or goes to prison, or abandons the deal for a solo gig.  It's almost always over before I find out it even happened.

This time, though, I'm out in front of the fame, or some of the fame anyway, but just barely.  In about a year, when we're all rocking out to The Will Overman Band on our way back from the mountains on a Sunday afternoon, all sunshine and dirt and post ride buzz, I'll look over at you from shotgun (you'll be driving because i'm extremely drunk after consuming two entire bud lite limes) and swear I knew all about these guys and blah blah blah before they were big.

For a pittance, FOR FREE technically, on this Saturday eve, you too can be privy to the foresight and catch these guys in Afton at 530 PM.  Or make a difference for the Blue Ridge Area Food Bank.  Or just go and drink something slightly more socially acceptable than BLL.

As one youtube commenter so aptly put it - "This man has Jesus in his Vocal Chords."

Amen.

Last but not least - and all the bike content I can muster today - THIS JUST IN:

West Virginia kicks ass.
Like, literally.  It will literally kick your ass.

For sale: pelican cooler.  Slightly used.  Seller recommends you wash it before using it, but hey, you do you.

Freedom, dirt, beer, and blood.  You know what to do with it.
Up, up, up.