Monday, February 7, 2011
Pantani would eat the muffin.
OK, I don't actually know if that's true. In fact, I imagine he would have opted for lettuce and carrots instead of muffins, thus making his 1000-some watts of uphill sprintage even more light and meaningful. But anyway, maybe he would have dug "sand-blasted roots rock with a sweet jam spread from Folly Beach, South Carolina."
Well, at the very least, I do. So maybe I'll see you there Thursday night.
I will now surrender this blogpost to the humanity that is a top 10 list and Q&A session all in one ugly lump regarding the BRCR-sanctioned Pantani Ride.
Question 1: What exactly does BRCR-sanctioned mean?
Answer: Basically, BRCR's insurance covers some liability when you have a heart attack trying to climb back up Brokenback. How much they cover really remains to be seen. One way to find out, so dig back into that jar of peanut butter with your big balloon fist and then be on the start line at 10 AM on Sunday.
Question 2: When does the ride start and where does it go? Is it a race?
Well, that's actually two questions and not one. But I'll break it down for you real easy-like. The ride-race starts at 551 Allen Rd, Earallysville VA at 10 AM. You heard me; ride-race. For many attendees, it's a casual ride with multiple options to stop hurting yourself and go the hell home whenever you'd like. For others, especially those at the front fighting to hang onto Erico Moortani's wheel, it's very similar to a race, albeit an unsanctioned, roads-open-to-traffic-and-wild-dogs sort of race. Think of it as a spirited group ride. And buckle your helmet.
Question 3: You didn't answer the most vital part of my question: where does it go?
Answer: I didn't want to scare you away, Ben & Jerry. But, since you asked, here's the route: http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/va/rocky%20mt/846126409029586738
Question 4: Jesus, I (pick one) can't ride/can't remember/don't have time/am scared of/will drink too much Saturday night to ride all of that. What should I do?
Answer: well, for starters, I would print the map. Then I would carefully fold it into thirds and place it in a plastic baggie where your sweat and tears won't soak it and leave it unreadable. Then, find yourself a small crew to ride with, determine how much of the course you'd really like to do, grip it and rip it.
Question 5: Do I need a pro racing license to register?
Answer: Good question. Technically, no. In fact, there's no registration at all since we're really just a big group out rambling around on some gravel roads. But you do have to consider yourself to be a very big deal. Which you are and you do. Run along now.
Question 6: What do I win when I win?
First and foremost, I love the assumptive victory. Those positive affirmations you've been saying in front of the mirror every night seem to really be sinking in. Terrific. To echo your positivity, you will win the finest pistachio-colored pirate jersey this world has ever seen.
Then you'll have to try to wrestle it off Erico Moortani's trapeziums. Good luck with that.
Question 7: What if I get lost?
Answer: Another good question, and a very real possibility given the remoteness of the ride, the speed and effort required, and the proportionately alarming lack of real substance in that big bucket dome of yours. If you get lost, the first thing I would recommend you do is panic. Drop your bike and all of your water on the road, then run out into the woods screaming and sobbing hysterically. Then eat all of your food, wait until dark. Now, here's where things get really important, after dark in the woods on top of the mountain, quickly stand up and RUN full speed towards the most distant speck of light you can see. You'll be saved in no time.
Question 8: Really?
Answer: OK, no. But you've got a lot of other options. Waiting where you are until someone with a brain rolls up behind you isn't a bad one. But you also might consider printing the map before leaving your house on Sunday morning (see questions 3 and 4) and figuring it out yourself.
Question 9: What about inclement weather? Will the ride still go on?
Answer: Inclement weather on Pantani day is impossible. Conditions will be perfect. That being said, if for some reason they are not, we can audible at the start line with a poorly-calculated back up plan. Right now, word is 53 and sunny. Action.
Question 10: Is the rooster coming?
Answer: After 9 straight questions of real dimness, you finally shine with a good one. To be honest, I'm not sure if the almighty rooster will roll up from Richmond or not. But I have it on good authority that there is some contingent of Richmonders with poor enough judgment to give the ol' Pantani Ride a second go. So they'll either post a rumor up here or there, or we'll just have to wait and see.
And for good behavior, I'll allow you a bonus question.
Bonus Question: I forgot my question.
Answer: Yeah. You're like that. It probably wasn't important. But on the off-chance it was, I'll link you to the Q&A from last year, because that wealth of knowledge really seemed to tide you over then.
if you keep making that face it will freeze like that.
See you Sunday. Up, up, up.