It had a broken keyboard. I bought a broken keyboard.
I can't explain it. Maybe it's the costumes. Maybe it's the very first clip that feels a little like the mass start every year at The Paranormal (costume idea # 3890087: note the giraffe). Or maybe it's actually, full-stop brilliant. Either way, that horn is right. Though maybe don't crank it up too loud at work though.
With that cranked up loud in the background, let's dig in. Roundabout this time every year, I pick the Pararnormal winners from 2 weeks out. By "pick the winners" I really mean "show everyone why I don't gamble for money." When it comes to picking winners correctly, I'm softer than the midsection of a middle aged mother of twelve.
But I'll give it a Nostradamus-like whirl anyway. Because, what the hell else am I going to do, train? (Absolutely not.)
Solo Men: Not sure if you've noticed, but BRC racing is a whole lot faster than it used to be, and it was never really slow. But, look, without even knowing if they'll actually turn up to the homelogo's home race, it's still easy money to pick one of the teal jerseys that's been off the front pretty much all year. Morrey. Fawley. Qwadsworth. If I were an unreformed bettin' man who wasn't saving for his kids college, I'd probably stick the easy money on Zach. Fawley's racing skinny tires in mudpits and sandboxes already, and there's a fair chance Qwadsworth's costume, presumably custom sewn to show off as much thigh as possible, will fail, become entangled in his single gigantic gear, and he'll be caught pantsless and de-chained before the crowd even sorts itself out in the first quarterlap.
But that's not who I'm actually picking. The right blend of motivation, ludicrous amounts of training, being a badass local, a fearless cornerer in the dark, and loads and loads of testicular mass leads me to believe that, in fact, Captain America will be at the front when the last keg finally kicks.
|Unfortunately, the real Captain America was unavailable for photo at the time of print, so I had to go with a stand in who was way cuter anyway.|
|But, from 2011, you know who I mean. |
|Byrom. Steep. No shit.|
Women's Solo winner? Always a tough call, and I should probably just stop guessing, but given that a) last years winner has stepped up her game with one of these little sleds and b)the dirt jumps should be in full effect by game time, and I'll take Whedbee running away with it in a landslide.
|You heard me. Dirt jumps. (or maybe just the structural beginnings of my septic field.) Either way, you're gonna need a big bike.|
Duo? I don't actually know who's signed up in duo. But a quick glance over here, right next to where you should be signing up, and I think the obvious horse is the Ramsey/Cook duo. But given that 90% of the duo teams seem to show up half-sauced, buddy up, and figure out their level of commitment somewhere along the way, and that pick will likely change by the time the time the shotgun blasts. (Note to self, locate shotgun before that time.)
Trick or treaters, be warned. A gun lives in this house, and its been drinkin' since noon.
Up, up, up.