Monday, October 17, 2016

Paranormal Predictions 2016

You know the story.
No guts no glory.

Not much can compare to that, but anyway, I give you my Paranormal Predictions of Greatness (and not so) for this bizarre election year of our lawd, 2016.

First, The Weather:
HERO Dirt is the forecast.  A wee bit of rain on Friday will leave the track tacky, but not sloppy.  Skidding and yipping with joy.  Also , it'll be a tad cooler, which will be nice considering all the sweating and cursing the bugs we'll be doing this week to prep the course for your reaping.

Second, Costumes:
There's usually very little reason to doubt the offensiveness, tastelessness, and filth of Scott Ramsey's costume.  So he's a tough man to bet against when it comes to the costume contest, except that he's so very often DQ'ed for the sheer raunch of it.  But this year I received a murky text from someone else - who shall remain nameless - days ago, that eluded to the fact that his significant other came back from a business trip, spied his costume still mid-creation on the workbench, and instantly assumed it was a sex toy.  So that person shall remain my nameless pick for Costume champion - but I have a feeling we will all know it when we see it.

Onto the Categories, quick and dirty.  Emphasis on QUICK.

Solo Women: Laura Hamm, should she turn up, will have to pry the solo winner's check out of Anne Pike's cold, dead fingers.  But will she?

Solo Men: Petrylak.  I'm falling asleep here.  By a full lap or two?  Until someone, ANYONE, shows me something, ANYTHING, that halfway resembles EITHER the engine to out-pedal or the stones to out-handle Petrylak in the single at night, I think it's Petrylak AHEAD BY A CENTURY.  But I'll accept any and all applications to the contrary, because quite frankly, watching Petrylak kick every one of your asses by 10+ miles every year is a straight yawner.  Get your shit together, Richard Serton.

Solo SS: Iron Mike Coco.  He officially signed up, he runs about 39 X14 or so, and he slugs the High Life like it's G2 gatorade.  I think Kesecker, having just come off a training camp in the hills and hollers of North Carolina with that part timer has-been Gordon Qwasdsworth, will at least give Coco a scare or two. But it's 6+ hours of Singlespeeding.  I think it takes a lifetime of SS commitment - along with a healthy dose of not actually caring about your knees - to really do that to yourself for that long at top speed, and Coco has made that commitment.  Unless Dicky hitchhikes to E-Rallys-ville to show off his costume?  Headquarters to Dicky, over...

Duo Categories - all of them - lumped together:  Look, let's be honest - you people don't count.  We all know damn well that the sun goes down, the kegs get tapped, and whichever one of you is out on a  lap comes back into the transition super hot to find a drunk teammate with a burger and a beer in their hand as a peace offering/bribe not to be sent back out for another beating, and you take it, the capes come off, and you get down to the business of eating, drinking, and talking shit about you partner by the fire whilst funding CAMBC's heretofore unbuilt Preddy Creek pump track.  I'm not judging.  Far from it - I am ONE of you.  So bring cash, and let's get that thing built.  

TRIO:  OK, it's the first time out for this thing, and so it's tough to get my head around just what is possible here.  I think this could be a legit, fast race for glory - knocking down maybe 8 laps?  Is 8 possible?  We shall find out, I think.  Especially if Bryan Lewis, Ben King, Jake King, or some other similar underfunded yet still very pro assembly shows up in costume with business to be done.

But back to my earlier point, they still might not beat Petrylak.

You know what's up:
sign up
dress up
show up up UP.

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