Thursday, October 23, 2014

Paranormal Predictions 2014

Holy shit, it's October 23rd already, and the Paranormal is next week.

Where does the time go?  It's like that feeling I have when I look down and my kids are three years old already, and they're riding a Halloween-colored Superfly 16 without training wheels.

For that matter, Holy Shit, the Paranormal is 12 years old?  The Big Blue Facehole in the Sky professes it to be so, so that can't be wrong.  On one hand, I get the standard how-did-that-happen-already angst, but on the other hand, it sort of feels like it's been around forever anyway.  So I dunno, maybe this whole "passage of time" anxiety I have it just a symptom of fall.  And either way I should shut up and get to the meat of it.

The meat of it.  I feel like I'm late getting to this (this being a slowly building blog frenzy leading up to the P-normal) but lucky for you and lucky for me I already spilled the beans last week about who I bet my spare money (of which I have none) on to take the W in Men's solo.  And that is Mr. Mark Smith.
Nevermind that he's got a broken rib/kidney stone/hematoma situation like an 82 year-old man.
Nevermind that Petrylak has radical late season form, is just coming off a resounding win at the 18 on the farm, and pretty much doesn't lose races like this.
Nevermind that I don't actually know if Mark is coming.
He's my guy.

Look, you don't get rich gambling by picking the wrong horse.  Have I ever steered you wrong before?

And here are the rest of my predictions to become champions, though all are heretofore and woefully unregistered as I'll get to in a moment:

Women's solo: Anne Pike.  Cunningham and I were actually wondering if she might turn 10 laps, which is elusive for even the best of the best.  I think Laura Hamm won The Paranormal with 9 laps a few years ago (while wearing a green leprechaun dress.)  But if anyone has a shot at 10, it's Anne.

Men's Duo: This is hard.  Not only do I have to predict who will be fast and who will actually show up, but I also have to predict who will actually team up once they finally do show up fit.  You people make my job suck.  But I'm committed to the cause, whatever that cause may be, and so I'm picking Lindbloom/Hackett with no real evidence that either of them are alive, coming, or actually teammates.

Women's Duo:  Again, this is a tremendous Nostrodomian stretch, even for me, but I'll go out on a limb and say no one is catching Bridget Graves and Jenny Whedbee if they are indeed alive, coming, and actually teammates.  I've bet on Whedbee before, of course, and she's let me down time and time again, and I take that shit personally and never forget it, etc etc.  But overall I just don't see anyone taking a title from those two ladies if they put their minds to it.

Co-ed Duo:  This is usually where I step in, talk some shit to Qwadsworth about how my lady and I are going to serve him and his lady up a heaping helping of their own asses if they come up to our home turf to try to take our coveted Duo title.  But I have to remember that last year my lady and I didn't actually manage to get ourselves onto the podium before the beer struck.  So, this year, I'm going to try to stay humble here and simply remind him that I own him like a cheap set of back up 26er wheels, and he can bring his little NUE title and "I'm going to La Ruta" nonsense to my house, and I'll help him polish it all up and insert it into his Urethra.  Bring it.

Now about that whole pre-registration thing...
If you're like most of mountain bike racing 'Merica, you're likely waiting until the last minute to sign up for the Paranormal.  Weather on Halloween weekend can be a little dodgy, and the race pretty much runs rain or shine, so I get that.  But what you can't dally about until the last minute is your costume.

Over the years, there have been some really creative minds that show up with their best creations to amaze, offend, and get stuck in the spokes of themselves and others.  And that's really what all of this is about anyway.  But that shit takes time.  The Earth wasn't built in a single day, and neither was Hiser's motorcycle gang member costume, nor did Shawn grow an Afro in a week.  So wait on registration if you must, but don't hold back on your creative design.  There's a time bonus to be had, and if your costume really sucks, you don't get that 5 minutes (all evaluations made by Momma T are final).  So consider yourself warned.

If you have to, here's the oldest Halloween hack in the book, if there were a book for such things...Just dig last year's costume back out of the attic, wipe the beer off, and simply add an adjective to it.  Something like:

DRUNK George Bush
PURPLE Poppa Smurf
SLUTTY Phil Collins

You get the idea.

When in doubt, make yourself useful: sign up early, and the rest will happen as it should.

Up, up, up.

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