Thursday, December 17, 2015

Gordon Wadsworth for President

Looking forward into 2016, which you may already know will be the first year that BRC officially backs Gordon Wadsworth in his bid for the Republican Nomination for the office of the President of the USA, I thought it would be worth our while to sit down and learn a little bit more about the man behind the mustache.  

You already know that he's tough, on drugs, and 100% committed to protecting our collective right to bare arm warmers.  You know he deserves your vote.  But I sat down with him to learn a little bit more.  

BRC:  I guess we should probably start with the weather.  It's 75 degrees in the middle of December.  Did you cause this?  Excessive watts or whatever, technically a measurement of heat, blowing right off your drivetrain and warming the atmosphere.  You can deny climate change all you want, but science is happening whether you admit it or not.  

QWAD: I'd like to start by paraphrasing one of my mentors, Sarah Palin, by saying that it's not yet confirmed if this whole global warming whosiewhatsit is a real thing, or just a natural part of the end of days.  And I wont say i "caused" it. But hey, gravity is a funny thing. I dont claim to be a scientist but I know something aint right about the present state of this planet and I know im feeling pretty good these days. Draw your own conclusions.

BRC:  Gun control.  What exactly are we supposed to do about your legs?  I support open carry, but come on, there's a limit.  You cant just walk around with those and expect there not be be trouble.  

QWAD: " Gun control?" Thats a neat way to say he with the biggest guns has all the control. So I guess what im saying you feel lucky punk? ya?

BRC: OK, enough of that.  What is on your race calendar this year?  

QWAD: Race Calendar. Which is like a real calendar with family time scheduled in. Lots of NUE series again, maybe some of the new marathon series. But Ill be honest and say i have a score to settle with the Open Men's category. Ohio robbed me of some glory. And I love the way glory tastes. Like the ear off a chocolate bunny. 

BRC: Tell me about the NUE serieses.  Plural.  Is this just a way to allow Dicky to win a race series, or is it conceivable that you will win both, not just one?  

QWAD: Seri? Serieses? Hard to tell. Doubt it. Poor sweet little Dicky. Hes winning alright, just not at bike racing. Ill say this, not since Bruce Jenner became a lady bird has anybody paid that much attention to someone so generally forgettable. One things for sure, As long as Im on a podium we will go "Dicky Deep." If only for entertainment purposes.

BRC:  Do you still single speed, brah?  Like, what exactly are you riding these days?  

QWAD: One at a time maybe! Bikes are fast, bikes are fun, and I can get home to the beer and my lovely ladies faster sometimes when I flick the little lazer turtle shell blaster on the right side of the handlebars. 

BRC:  As a single speeder that seems to dabble in gears, do you find that you lack the proper butt callouses to really be competitive?  

QWAD: Sitting is hard on a man. The short I dont really get it. Weird because everybody thinks SS is the harder of the two and yet those shifty bits make me awfully uncomfortable sometimes! But I like the little "pew pew" sound the turtle shooter lever makes.  Also, on a related note,  I believe it's my right as an American to shoot wolves from my helicopter.  

BRC:   Pantani is Feb 13th.  When can I expect the Maillot Pistachio to be delivered to my house, laundered and pressed, neatly folded, along with your handwritten apology for possessing it without proper credentials for the past year? Also, Chaz Michaels has the right to punch you square in the dick whenever he'd like, in perpetuity.

QWAD: Well...Youve hit a sore topic. The Maillot Pistachio is a fickle mistress. She can be hard to give up. Literally, she has this sticky spot on one of the sleeves. its gross. Chaz Michaels Michaels (not a typo, just an inside joke) deserved it. No doubt. He a tough cookie, one thats tough to chew. And especially at his fighting weight hes a contender. Always. 

BRC:  The Tour De Burg turns 20 this year.  Gonna be a big one, I've been told.  Do you have any drug tests that you'll be facing in July/August?  

QWAD: Yeah!  I'd like that. Burgalicious. Why not. I heard about the fireworks they pack in their brownies up there! I heard they're great that is.

BRC:  Speaking of Drugs, Lance Armstrong recently came out and admitted that he's made two major mistakes in his life:  drugs and being a complete asshole.  But, in his defense, his mom wasn't the typical mom figure and did very little actual parenting during his formative years.  You, on the other hand, seem to not be on the juice, and your parents appear to have given you a healthy slap on the back of the head when you needed it, resulting in a mostly pretty good dude by all accounts.  So my question, naturally, is this: do you think you could get a date with Lance's mom?  

QWAD: I heard she had a thing for Tom maybe?!

BRC:  I knew Tom Selleck.  I worked with Tom Selleck.  You, my friend, are no Tom Selleck.  But remember that time I crushed you at SM100 three months, 6 days, 18 hours and 14 minutes ago?  

QWAD: Yeah, that was a good time. I almost died. It was swell! You didnt even stop to say hello at Aid 2 you bird dog. Stackhouse and I were having a metaphysical debate and you just blew by. Some blogger you are. No wonder Dicky gets more reads. 

BRC:   Qwad vs. Calf.  2 months.  Brokenback.  Now that you've seen Will Leet operate a mountain bike and not completely suck at it (only mostly), how do you like your odds?

QWAD: Well, center of gravity is worth noting. As is costume choice. But one things for sure. The rural folks are my people. Ive been living in Georgia buddy, I can speak red. So Leet better stick close to my wheel or else the country folk might take a liking to him and all his shiny teeth.