Tuesday, June 3, 2014

No Ryder, you're not news.

Ryder Hesjedal, shut your big doping Canadian mouth.  

And I love Canadians, and Canada itself, and Whistler, and french fries with Gravy and so forth.  So it takes a lot for me to get so frothy and worked up about a neighbor and a cyclist and a pretty decent guy by most accounts except for some of the mistakes he's made.  But what in the fucking fuck, Ryder?  

"It’s not everyone’s right to know all the details in these types of matters." - Ryder Hesjedal

You can give his drivel a full read here if you're interested in throwing up in your mouth a little bit, which I suppose you are: 

Thanks for comin' clean, Ryder.  And by clean, I mean, cutting a deal with the already very sketchy authoritative bodies in the matter so that you don't have to pay a dime or miss a single race or give credit to guys like Jeremiah Bishop whom you stole your entire career from.  TO SAVE PROFESSIONAL CYCLING.  Classy.

Presumably, we should feel confident in the great pillars of moral worthiness that make up the pro cycling ranks such as Ryder Hesjedal, the UCI, USA Cycling, Lance Armstrong, Slipstream Sports and other such impeccable do-gooders to sort all of this out in an appropriate way despite the lack of transparency.  Because they're trustworthy.  It's not for us to know.  

Here's what is our business: Sponsoring them.  Watching their races.  Buying their shit.  Your patronage, good fans of the professional road cycling world, is greatly appreciated.  But you can't handle the truth.  

You know who I feel bad for: Ben King.  To have to wear the same colors as that goon, to get his bottles for him, crash for him, risk your life for him...all because Pro Cycling won't do the right thing and get rid of him, is an abomination. Guys like Ben King deserve a sport and a future.  Somehow, and jump in here if this sounds crazy to you too, even though Ryder stole Jeremiah Bishop's chance, we're still allowing him to steal Ben King's chance too.

Fuck it.  Let's just give him the whole state of Virginia.  Adam Croft.  The Little kids.  Anybody with some talent.  Maybe we can keep this going for a few more generations.  But don't ask any questions about what actually happened.  It's not for us to know.

“I am proud of showing myself, younger riders, and the world that it’s possible to do it clean."

-Ryder Hesjedal

Are we even talking about the same guy?  Ryder Hesjedal?  The guy whose entire career is predicated on the simple, ugly fact that he cheated?  Look, I'm the first to admit that I have no idea if the PED's he took still have a lingering effect on his performance today.  But they certainly worked at the time.  And his entire existence in the Pro Peloton, his role as a grand tour leader at Garmin, and his very paycheck for the last 10 years are all highly unlikely if he didn't take the juice.  And somehow, he identifies himself as a role model for younger riders for how to do it clean.  Are you kidding me?  

No.  He's not kidding.  And that's OK, I guess, because he's an asshole, and most assholes tend to buy their own bullshit stories.  

But it's important, I believe, that if you're a kid trying to make it big, and you're wondering how to do that, that Ryder Hesjedal is not your example of how "to do it clean."  Since the only consequence he faces is that we all know, here's a collective reminder:

Hey Ryder, Fuck you.  

What you're missing, Ryder, what you've always been missing I guess, is the truth, the awful truth for those of us that really loved the sport that you helped destroy, that once you've cheated you don't count anymore.  

Ryder, you're not the news.  Get off my TV.  

Up, up, up.  

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