Monday, June 27, 2016

Cycling-Relevant Information about getting a Vasectomy

I've tried to keep this off the blog a bit, because hey, these are my nuts I'm about to tell you about.  But given just how many bike rider fellas have heard about me getting a vasectomy and contacted me for more information, I figure I'll just come right out with the splendid details and allow the masses to pore over this and, quite possibly, set your troubled minds at ease.

Things you, Mr. Cyclist in your spermal prime, might be wondering about getting a Vasectomy.

1) Is it going to hurt?  I'm super scared of this for some reason.  
The answer for most people is no, it doesn't really hurt.  And for you, My Cyclist in your prime who weighs all of 145 lbs if you've stuffed your pockets with hammer gels, the answer is 10 times no.  The reason for that is, these days, they give fellas like us a 2 MG Xanax to take 45 minutes before you go to surgery.  I'm no expert on dosing, but I can tell you that a 2 MG Xanax for those of us who pursue endurance sports and get a little tipsy off the first beer, is enough to render you worthless for about 12 hours.  I'm talking black out drunk.  Think Jeff Cup and then went straight to Foxfield without eating lunch kind of shitfaced.  In my case, I took the little xanax right on time, and my wife drove me to the procedure.  It's an outpatient deal, takes about 20 minutes, and you're out of there.  And by "out of there" I mean, they're going to wheel you to the car in a chair while you laugh and sing the wrong words to Fiona Apple.  Just shitfaced.  So my wife drives me to the doc, and I'm a little sleepy on the way there, but OK, and then we get out of the car in the parking lot, and I'm a little shaky, but again, fine, and I straighten up, pull it together, straight faced walk to the greeting desk at the doctor and the nurse says, "OK, clearly you've taken the Xanax."  And, quite surprised, what I try to say back is, "How did you know I took the Xanax?"  But what comes out of my mouth is pure gibberish.  I'm shocked by how drugged I am, like, walking into walls and unable to speak or focus on anything.  And I'm basically having a great time.  So the nurse walks me back to the surgery room, which looks basically like the dentist office, chair and everything, and the instructions from here are super basic: take off your pants and underwear, cover up with this sheet, and the doctor will be right in.  Unable to articulate that I don't understand her or follow instructions in general, I completely blow it.  I take all my clothes off, lie down on the dentist chair buck naked, and sort of half way cover up with the sheet, but it's still folded up and doesn't really cover up anything, and I can't stop laughing until I pass out.

That's it.  Procedure over.

Again, I'm sort of a lightweight, but as a cyclist, generally speaking our tolerance for pharmies is low, and for a procedure that so many of us have so much trepidation about, it was like I was barely even there.  Just the easiest thing you could do.

I guess I sort of remember the doctor coming in and laughing at me.  Then I think I might recall some poking or prodding, and maybe I said ouch one time, but I don't know.  Eventually, they wheel me out to the car, and my wife drove me home, and gave me a Tylenol with codeine, and I slept for about 15 hours.  Woke up the next day, used some ice, but it was basically fine.

Anyway, to directly address the question: why am I so scared of this?  I think that's a natural human male reaction to someone cutting and pilfering around at sack level.  And this is especially true for cyclist who spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding saddle-related pain on long rides.

But really, take that Xanax, and everything from there happens just fine.  Enjoy the ride.

2) How long am I going to be off the bike for? - OK, so this is a subject you can split rooms on.  The literature says you should give it a week at least.  I know guys who said they rode 2 days later.  My dad went duck hunting the next day.  Other guys had a lot more swelling and were off the bike for 3 weeks.  So it really varies.  I can tell you that running is probably out for longer than riding.  You're going to have a strict "No flopping around" policy for a while.  But the pain really isn't bad.  Maybe a 2 or 3 out of 10, that just sort of hangs around for a while.  I guess I went for a ride exactly 7 days later, and it was OK.  Now, close to 1 month out, I'm basically back to normal, just minus a little fitness that I lost along the way.  Every now and then, getting on or off the bike, I'll sit on them though, which never used to happen, and sucks a whole lot, but I'm told that goes away.

3) What if I have a saddle sore?  No problem.  They do ask that you shower first.  But the procedure is more directly on your balls than on your taint.  So your saddle sore can heal as a part of the team.

4) Who was your Doctor?  - This question has come up a lot.  It would seem that this sort of procedure happens quite a lot based upon referral, which makes sense.  Dr. Frazier Fortenberry here in the Foof has vasectomized probably half of town.  Good guy.  10 out of 10, would get vasectomized again.

5)  When should I get the procedure done?  - I guess the off-season is what most people would recommend, but here in VA that doesn't really exist.  The Friday before the Tour De France start would give you a good excuse to sit around, ice your haunches, and watch the Grand Depart.  I guess a lot of doctors are booked the week of March Madness and the first round of the NFL playoffs.  So consult your local listing.

Anyway, that's about it.  I'll trail off here, but assuming you've read this far I imagine you're a cyclist local who is slowly resigning himself to the fact you're going to have this done.  Feel free to reach out and we can rap about it.

For me, there's one way back, and it's up, up, up.

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