Friday, October 16, 2015

The Official Paranormal Predictions

Well ,Well, Well.

Here we are.  Paranormal eve, and you signed up, and here you are looking to see if you made the official (yet remarkably unofficial) annual paranormal predictions.  I liken this to Chris Scott's annual pre-SM100 email, though on a remarkably smaller scale of course, and dressed as a prostitute.

So let's get into it without delay, shall we...

First things first.  This:
 Imagine my surprise to wake up this morning, check the ol' MyPhone, and see that Marky Mark not only 1) stole my Paranormal 2015 lap KOM, but 2) will be seeing the "doctor" today at 3 PM.  Doctor EPO, I presume, given this very suspect performance.  That slimy fuck.

Naturally, I called him out on it, via text message of course because that's how we communicate because when I actually see him in person I'm usually too busy dropping him like a floppy banana peel to speak with him... but anyway, he sent me this in response:


Which, I suppose, naturally brings me to the Duo Male Paranormal predictions.
(You can see all the pre-registered has-beens and wanna-be's here.)

Under normal circumstances, it'd be an easy pick for Men's Duo to say Hackett and Lindblom are the duo MALE team to beat.  But as you can see, over here, they registered as Duo Coed, probably because Sam absolutely threw down an 8:40-something at the SM100 and effectively made Hackett his bitch.  And anyway, given the Richard Serton/Will Leet level of power, it'd be an oversight to select Sam/Hackett for Duo Male victory, even if they were both registered as such.  

You heard me...Will Leet.
"Do these plus sized tires make my ass look big?"
So there's my pick for Men's Duo.  Serton/Leet.  I've ridden with Richard exactly once (on the road), and the Paranormal will be Will's 2nd mountain bike ride ever, but sometimes power is just power (plus, I understand that Will Leet will be using The Force.)  I see 9 laps taking it.  This is, of course, omitting the auspicious and very rumored attendance of Gordon Wadsworth who claims to be in route and Charlie Ormsby.  Because they aren't signed up, and until you're actually in the 22936, you don't count.  Losers.  

Co-ed Duo...tough call.  I'd like to pick my wife and myself, I really would.  But I've done so much trailwork the past few days that I can barely type.  So unless Shannon is planning on riding 5 laps, or holding my handlebars for me, or sticking it to Sam/Hackett in a sprint finish while I sit around the drink beer, then I think they can take us.  So there it is: Lindblom/Hackett for Duo Co-ed victory, getting in a respectable 6 laps before they call it quits and hit the kegs.  

Duo-Women?  There are 6 women registered there, none of which I've ever seen ride a bike.  However, I presume Jessica Coco is related to Mike Coco in some way, and Mike Coco rode a singlespeed geared 34X17 at the Giro D'Ville for 4 entire days, plus he drinks the High Life.  So my pick, as you can imagine, is anyone related to Mike Coco plus her teammate.  

The father son stuff is all over the map.  Unless we're carding these people to check their ages, I think both categories will have to get lumped together, and they'll be beaten down by the Hoys anyway, who aren't actually register just yet, but who I presume will become so on race day.  Look, Hoys, you can't ghost-in under the radar when you're a two (three?) time winner of the category.  I know that you know that I know that they all know you'll be there, and you'll be ready to fight.  Good?  Good.  

Solo female looked like a free ride to the podium for a few days there, but then Sue George signed up.  Sue George.  Rocktown. columnist and all-around do-gooder member of the bike community on both sides of the mountain.  I suppose Sierra might give her a run for her money, and I did witness Sierra finish the death march that the Chimney Challenge turned into this year without too much fuss.  So I dunno, toss up.  Hopefully they will at least battle it out.  Sort of an East Side vs. West Side thing.  

Which brings us to Solo Male.  
Damn.  This category was a mess even before Ian Spivack signed up as a dangerman for the W.  And it's hard to pick against Petrylak, and generally speaking I only do that when Kurland is coming (is Kurland coming?)  But this year, I'm going out on a limb, selecting a dark horse, my boy, and former teammate from COLLEGE mind you, Brad Fiala.  Because Brad is good at absolutely EVERYTHING, and cycling has turned out to be no different.  8:20 at SM100, committed to the hardtail for the whole effort, and scared of pretty much no one.  That's my guy.  8 laps?  I do think so.  

So there you have it.  Pretty much official, though I will say that there were registrations rolling in even as I was typing that, so the talent level of all fields is certainly not set.  Look, I can only work with what I have.  I don't make the rules.  Well, that's not true, I do make the rules.  But I stand by them, and I think they're fair.  

Anyway, show up, have fun, and try not to get yourself hurt. 
See you tomorrow.  

Up, up, up.  

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