What-what? What. WHAT. The Paranormal is THIS Saturday, 10/2.
What can I say? We're still in a pandemic, yes. But they had a broken keyboard. So I bought a broken keyboard. And The Paranormal lives on in 2021 where 600,000+ of us do not. Make of that what you will. At least we'll have masks on. Like, actual costume masks. And the other kind too if you're scared of the jab, you chickenshit shell of a soul.
Full disclosure, The Paranormal happened last year too. I won. Just me in a vacant field and out onto the course with no one around. A sad day in the history of human existence, but a triumph is a triumph. As James Gist likes to say, "there are no asterisks in the trophy case."
This year, it would seem I will have to surrender the crown, as the registration list has been filling up with legit comers and takers. And it won't take much to take it from the likes of me. The title felt good while it lasted (and slightly empty) but it will return to the shoulders of an actual athlete Sunday night vs. just the only person who rides a single lap in a plague year.
In case you don't know how the Paranormal works, I'll try to sum it up with a schedule here:
Weeks ago: you started getting your costume ready. Also you decorated your bike. You look amazing, though your cape keeps getting caught in your drivetrain and the Dr. Doolittle Glasses that are actual prescription strength are dangerously inconvenient to ride a bike with. But I repeat - you look amazing.
1:30 PMish, race day: Show up to The Paranormal Field and start POUNDING candy, which flows from the very creeks around here on race day. Getcha' Costume on. Socialize.
3:30 PM - Observe actual athletes with carefully planned, aerodynamic costumes, about to kick your ass. Make a mental note that next year you'll get into that kind of form. Remark to the woman dressed as an M&M next to you that those guys don't look half as fabulous as you do.
4 PM - The race goes live. It's a show.
7 PM - Lights on, one more lap before you dip into the lunchables that you forgot to bring. Looks like you're buying 6 or 7 burgers from the CAMBC tent and supporting local trails after all.
9 PM - Around the bonfire by this point with the likes of you. Every now and then, Richard Serton shoots past, heading out for another lap, like a bullet. Are these Dr. Doolittle prescription glasses making you dizzy, or is it really that boozy around here? Should you still be acting in character? Try to re-establish reality from fiction, remind yourself this gig is kid friendly.
10 PM - Race ends. But The Paranormal keeps going.
Onward - Free camping. Big sky full of 1,000 stars. And justice for all.
It won't hurt any feelings if you haven't left by noon the next day, especially if you can lend a hand for course cleanup.
Remember, costume is mandatory. The last person to show up without one, Shawn tied his helmet to the front gate and made the guy do a penalty lap and start like 10 minutes after everyone else. That was in like 2017. So don't show up without spirit. And a good set of lights is pretty necessary if you plan on staying out past 7 PM.
The rest, just details. Humanity lives on.
See ya Saturday.
Up, up, UP.
