Accessory ideas for your Hugh Hefner Paranormal Halloween Costume

Hugh Hefner died yesterday, somehow having pushed the envelope of sexual misrepresentation and misogyny out to 91 years.  Moment of silence?  It's hard to know how to feel about this.

Since it's just yesterday that he passed away, I'd usually put my foot down here and say emphatically that it's "TOO EARLY" for a Hugh Hefner costume at The Paranormal.  But, in truth, the Paranormal has a long, long history with offensive costumes, and Hef has been dead on the inside for a long time anyway.  Indeed, this one we probably can't hold back, even if we tried.  So I'll just accept the modern world for how it is (emotionally and morally absent), embrace it, and offer up here some accessory ideas for your Hugh Hefner costume, were you to wear it to the Paranormal.


1)  Silk Robe.  Obviously this is the place to start. However, having worn a robe for a paranormal lap myself once upon a time, I can assure you that it's a huge pain in the ass to keep it out of your rear wheel for 8 miles of single.  That said, if you can somehow find a silk robe with a tear-away bottom, you'll have a much easier time keeping it out of your cassette, and Hefner would have LOVED a tear-away-bottom robe anyway. Check and check.

2)  Big box of Viagra.  Huge.  You're pushing 90 for chrisakes, and you've got a lot of work in front of you.  Maybe even have the box of Viagra actually be your duo teammate's costume.  Nothing says, "we're riding this shit all night" quite like Hef and his big box of pills.

3) Smoking jacket and a snifter of brandy.  Don't be afraid to get after that brandy a little bit too.  A little drunk and surly is accurate, and accuracy is everything with the judges these days.  Not lecherous though, not creepy or anything - in fact, the look is very friendly.  Think Arnie Palmer, but with a huge, omnipresent, semi-threatening erection that has always prevented you from playing sports.  More about that erection in a minute.

4)  Limo.  Not a bad idea to roll right up to the start line in a long, white limousine.  A harem of ladies who are less than 1/3rd your age streaming out on all sides before your grand entrance.  Seems like a good place for a roof rack instead of a hitch rack, but feel that out with the rental company first before just slapping your rocky mounts and bike on the top of a $90,000 automobile.

5) Harem.  But instead of a bunch of girls who are less than half your age, bring your pets.  For whatever reason, there is no human being on earth who will ever love you as much as the playmates loved Hef, but your labrador can get close to that kind of deep affection if you feed her enough pizza.  Be sure to bring enough spare sets of bunny ears to accommodate creek running, ball fetching, the occasional fight, pond swimming, deer chasing, etc.  A labrador can blow through a lot of bunny ears headbands in a single evening outside.

6)  Erection-bike.  I don't know how you'd pull this off, and I realize I'm hitting the bottom of the barrel with this one, but you just know the Best Costume award would go to a decent Hugh Hefner if you just committed to the full 6 hours of action and somehow pulled off a rigid bike as a fleshy, circumcised, (circumcised?)...I'm not sure.  There are thousands of women who could tell you, apparently, but that information doesn't seem be readily available on The Googles.  I'm getting off track here.

Obviously, I've hit rock bottom with this one.  Hef, we'll miss ya.  Wait, will we?  I actually don't think so.  Most people, I imagine, already assumed Hef was dead.  And that's not the point anyway.

The point is that The Paranormal is in 3 weeks.  Sign up, dress up, get it up up up.