Rock Sox

One brief mention of a pair of pink, fuzzy, handmade, warm, thoroughly awesome socks to be awarded to the first singlespeeder to cross the line on Sunday, and the entirety of singlespeed nation seems to be thrown into a sudden, manic tailspin.  Straight to the mailbag, where I'm not kidding, the very essentia of riding one-geared bikes now seems called into question. 

Badass socks!  But I'm actually a size 13.  Can the hem be adjusted? 
Can I run a flip flop hub? 
Is there a prize for the first guy to finish on a fixie? 
What SS gearing do you recommend?
I'm a sure win.  Can I preemptively wear them for the ride on Sunday?
How long did it take to make those?  Are they wool?  Are they machine washable?  Do they come with a warranty?
I'm thinking about switching from gears where I have no chance to win anything, to SS where maybe the competition will be thin enough that I can actually win.  What do you think?  How many singlespeed registrants do you currently have?
If I win both the overall and the KOM and I do it all on a singlespeed, and I'm a dad that has to go home and take care of his kids afterwards, do I win the jersey, the chapeau, the socks, and the highly-caffeinated booze?

Shhhhhhhh.  This level of stress, in the week leading up to the most important non-race on the international singlespeed non-calendar, is not conducive to having good legs on race day.  Let's back into these answers one delicately crafted, politically correct answer at a time. 

If I win both the overall and the KOM and I do it all on a singlespeed, and I'm a dad that has to go home and take care of his kids afterwards, do I win the jersey, the chapeau, the socks, and the highly-caffeinated booze?
It's important to have dreams, I get that.  Dreaming big, it's been said, is the only way to dream.  But it's also a pretty good way to disappoint yourself and those around you that listen to your drivel.  So to answer your question directly: yes, prizes and categories are cumulative.  It's sort of like the Tour De France, where a guy could, technically, win the KOM, the Maillot Jaune, the Green sprinters jersey, and the best young riders jersey after one very unlikely, chemically-altered 3 week race.  But around here, we'll also throw in a 5th and 6th prize for that sort of behavior - a healthy ass kicking and a swirlie dip in the icy waters of the teventrails portajohn.  You're officially on notice.  Take your skinny, sandbagging ass to Europe where it belongs. 

I'm thinking about switching from gears where I have no chance of winning anything, to SS where maybe the competition will be thin enough that I can actually win. What do you think? How many singlespeed registrants do you currently have?
Technically, that's 2 questions.  And in a lot of ways this sort of rationale has brought the once-nearly-extinct Professional Singlespeeder subspecies of cyclist back to the flourishing, rapidly breeding population that exists today.  But lucky for me I only need one answer:  this is not a good idea for you.  I like your enthusiasm, and it's swell to see how inspired you are to have warm, fuzzy feet on the way home, but like most long singlespeed rides, the idea of such a thing and the reality of limping your swollen knees and hurty toes up brokenback mtn rd are just really different things.  Leave the singlespeeding to the people who can actually speed. 

How long did it take to make those? Are they wool? Are they machine washable? Do they come with a warranty?
Momma T whipped up these hand-knitted, machine washable, cotton puppies in about 40 hours of continuous, forced, hard labor in the newly anointed Teven-sweatshop.  She was allowed 3 short breaks for water and stale bread.  Your future thoughts on kinder labor conditions are welcome, but in case you haven't noticed, there's a lot of little teven-feet to be socked these days, and little time to do it.  So the beatings will continue until sock production increases.  Warranty void upon purchase.  Not valid with any other offer.  Singlespeeding is inherently dangerous and will cause hemorrhoids.  Don't eat the yellow snow. 


I'm a sure win. Can I preemptively wear them for the ride on Sunday?
You won't get your greasy, sweaty blisters into these Pink bunnies until you've earned them.  Work for it. 

What SS gearing do you recommend?
This kind of technical question starts to get outside of the scope of my own expertise, but I can tell you with pretty good authority that no one gear is the correct gear.  On brokenback, for example, 22X34 is a little tall, but the obvious shortcomings that one gear would produce going down the rollers on Wesley Chapel makes it really not an option.  I believe I once saw Kev 29er climb Simmons gap all the way to the observatory (3,000 feet or so) on 33X19 or some such nonsense, but today he's a wheelchair-confined, hydrocephalic narcolep with very little to live for.  So I can appreciate your question about this given the severity of the consequences, and I'm sorry I don't have a better answer.  Maybe Kev29er himself can chime in here and offer some insight. 

 Is there a prize for the first guy to finish on a fixie? 
I'll refrain from my full soapbox diatribe on this subject and just say that, as a culture of cyclists, we cannot continue to divide and subdivide ourselves as a whole to try to better-define ourselves as individuals.  No one cares that you don't have a freewheel, and you look only slightly more silly than the rest of us.  Not that it's not cool.  Riding fixies is very cool.  But your reward for being the fringe of an already fringe activity is the process itself, which is the entire point for most of us anyway, with an added bonus of the worst chafing you can possibly imagine. 

Can I run a flip flop hub? 
Again, this sort of falls outside of my knowledge of what's acceptable and not acceptable in the societal hinterlands where singlespeed competitions exist.  But I believe the correct answer is yes, you can run it, but if you actually flip it, or flop it, or whatever you do to change the gearing, you're technically shifting, and you'll be disqualified, disbanded, and beaten with a sack of old, Phil Wood hubs.  The only flipping that's permitted is the over-the-bars variety on steep, icy downhills. 


Badass socks! But I'm actually a size 13. Can the hem be adjusted? 
I don't actually know what a hem is, but I think you're in luck.  The model in the photo above is Pappa T, a size 11 if memory serves me, and he's got some room to breathe in there.  So those with big, singlespeeding feet are still invited to try to hurt themselves and reap the rewards, and those with smaller feet will probably need an undersock, if there is such a thing. 


Whatever happens, someone's gettin' paid in pink socks, and that's worth fighting for.  Just remember, the socks aren't actually yours.  No, indeed, just like the jersey and the chapeau, you're the caretaker of the socks for a year, and if you can't make it back next year you'll have to rinse the booze and puss out and mail them back in to Pantani ride HQ in time for the next champion.

Believe in yourself.  But don't blow up, up, up.